At this festive time of year, as the lights go up on every house on my street, and then more lights go up because the guy across the street has a better display and then he puts up more lights, and the ACLU considers lawsuits against the countless public venues sporting Nativities, I’d like to remind you all I’m a Jew.  Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew.

That being said, the sum total of my knowledge of Judaism comes from Woody Allen, Phillip Roth and the modern day Jew’s Torah, "Fiddler on the Roof".

I’ve seen a whole hell of a lot more Christmas specials a whole hell of a lot more times than the above pop cultural tidbits of Judaica.  While there is now a Rugrats Hanukah special for my children to enjoy and I understand the little Monkey girl on "Arthur" is a Jew, lets face it, these entries are a little late to the party and it’s pretty much a Christmas party anyway, so why fight it?  Now, I bet there’s a lot of you out there reading this right now (all right, say 1 out of the total five) saying to yourselves, "Jeez, what an assimilationist f**k."  First, I’d like to point out you said ‘Jeez’, short for Jesus, so I don’t think it should be you ‘casting’ the first ‘stone’.  Second?  Read the following things I’ve learned from Christmas Specials.  I think when you’re done, we’ll both agree at least that I wrote the list and you read it.  Beyond that I couldn’t care less.

SANTA IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN JESUS
There.  I said it.  Lucky for me my stuff is all on the Internet so rabid right wing Christians will need to print my stuff out before burning it.  Honestly, though, Santa gets lots more airtime, and not once on TV does Jesus come down a Chimney or give toys to anyone.  Sure, he dies for our sins, but that’s Easter, where I’d give him even odds against the Bunny.

SANTA IS DANGEROUSLY UNPREDICTABLE
Don’t believe me?  Ask Rudolph.  The Uber Special shows us a Jolly Old Elf with mood swings, and eating disorder and a real dislike of anything different until he can find a way to exploit it.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING
It’s a force of nature.  Santa will threaten to cancel it at the drop of a hat.  He gets a cold, the weather isn’t good, his mail from kids isn’t as fawning as the previous year and he’ll tell the press he isn’t going, but don’t you believe it.  It’s all part of deep-rooted psychological need to please.

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH FROSTY
OK, first of all he seems to be border line retarded, which is fine, but if you’ve got a magic hat shouldn’t it at least make you as smart as say a Dog?  Plus which, what the hell has he got to do with Christmas?

THE OLD BASTARD WILL HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART
I promise you. Scrooge?  The Grinch?  That old guy who said he didn’t like kids but then ended up getting them all presents or saving the orphanage or adopting them in is generally Edward Asner or Willford Brimley?  It always happens.  So I don’t know why we’re wasting munitions and risking lives on Osama.  You wait.  Christmas Eve, he’s gonna have a change of heart.

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE
Okay, that last sentence in the last paragraph?  Almost certainly not and absolutely not the sort of idea to base foreign policy on, but you know why?  You.  You, and people like you, who just don’t have a childlike faith in Santa.  And I’ll tell you what.  You should be ashamed.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRESENTS!
The true meaning of Christmas is love.  Time spent with Family, Hope for the future, Faith, trust.  That’s why all the commercial breaks are filled with come ons for crap you had no idea you wanted.  Just to kind of, you know, paint Love and Faith and all in high contrast.

HERMY IS GAY
You know.  I know it.  The head Elf knew it all along, and now Santa knows it too.  If Chris Kringle can deal with it so can the boyscouts.  But who you choose for your dentist is up to you.

THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT.
Assuming your Jimmy Stewart.  If you’re anyone else, you might try being considerate and kill yourself AFTER the holidays.  What, you think EMTs, cops and Emergency Room personnel don’t have families?  Add ‘selfish’ to the list of reasons nobody needs you.

THREE GHOSTS
The FCC requires by law that all sitcoms and ‘quirky’ dramas create at very least one episode that’s a version of ‘A Christmas Carol’.

JUST LIKE IN ‘A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS’, EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT YOU.
Big, big, big lie.

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