The offices at CBS headquarters in New York are fairly quiet that Thursday morning, save for Bryan Gumbel rummaging through the files looking for Roma Downey's home phone number.  Executive Producer Don "Dipsy" DeCarlo is in his office trying to figure out how to incorporate Chris Rock in to the cast of "Diagnosis: Murder" when the phone rings.

“Dipsy here.”

“Hi Mr. DeCarlo, it's Jeff Mittenberger.  I'm writing the 'Jesus' mini-series with Rubestein.  I have a rough for the script done and wanted to know when you want to get together and look it over with me.”

Dipsy (how he got the nickname “Dipsy,” no one knows.  Everyone speculates that he just figured high powered network types needed a goofy sounding nickname to offset their ruthlessness) sits back, wags a finger at the Nash Bridges mobile on his desk and says, “Well, you read the bible like I told you to when I commissioned you to write the thing, right?”

“Right, but I just thought you'd like to hear a rough sampling of the plotline I've got so far and then I could meet with you at your earliest convenience.  I trust you've read the bible as well and I just want to make sure I've got things right.”

Dipsy coughs, “Read the bible?  Of course I have!  How silly it would be for me to put together a miniseries on the life of Jesus if I hadn't even read the bible.  It takes research to create a fine historical biography.  Who do we have signed for Jesus, anyway?”

Papers flip, then Mittenberger says, “Looks like Dennehey's going to do it.  He doesn't fit the sackcloth and looks like shit in sandals, but we can...”

“Carvey,” Dipsy interrupts.  "What happened to the Dana Carvey deal?"

”Well, turns out he's going to be guest hosting The Martin Short Show for a couple of weeks and was going to be busy.  That's okay though, the boys down in research were pretty sure he'd try to throw that Goddam 'nah gon dot' Bush impression in to the role.”

There is a long pause as Dipsy thinks.  Mittenberger can hear a pencil tapping on a pad of paper.  “Okay, we'll go with Dennehey.  He's pretty well known.  We'll get wardrobe to make a bigger sackcloth robe.  It'll screw up the budget but this has to be up to CBS standards.  Why don't you let me hear the outline of what you've got so far...and the Clift-Notes version, I've got a lunch with that pretentious bastard Rather.”

Mittenberger picks up his rough draft for “Jesus: The Miniseries,” flips in a few pages and begins the outline.

”Okay, this is still rough but here's what I've got.  In the first scene he's born, but he's not what everyone thinks he is.  He's actually the son of Hebrew slaves.  His mother, and by the way boss, are you sitting down?  To play his mother, we were able to sign Delta Burke!”

“Yes!” yells out Dipsy.  “Nice job, Mittenberger.  Now I suppose McRainey will want something to do.  Can't these people ever work alone?  Anyway, continue.”

“Okay, then after Delta gives birth to Jesus, she puts the kid in a basket and sends him down the river.  At this point we're going to have a little sub plot involving a love affair between two characters named Matthew and Sheena.  Matthew is a stone carver and Sheena is his lover who, while Matthew's away carving stones, decides to explore her own homoerotic fantasies with her neighbor.  Anne Heche has agreed to play this part.”

“Hmm, okay, I'm with you so far,” says Dipsy, as he listens intently.  “Continue.”

“Okay, well it turns out that Heche's character Lolita is secretly bisexual and seeing a man that Sheena is unaware of.  This guy is building a giant boat of some sort because God told him to, and on this boat he intends to have 2 kinds of each animal on earth.  But the guy building the giant boat wants to also have Lolita and Sheena on board as well for his own entertainment.”

Dipsy sits back in his chair and takes another puff on a cigar.  “Who do you have in mind for this Sheena character?”

“I'm thinking 'Baywatch' here; I'm thinking Geena Lee Nolin.  I'd lean more Pam Anderson but, well, you know it's..."

“I hear ya pal,” says Dipsy, who then pretends to take a call on another line.  “Hey Pam!  Hollywood calling!  Get the implants back pronto!  Acting talent my ass sweetheart, it was the fun-bags that got you on top and now you're like Harpo Marx without the horn.  You're Marcelle Marceau trapped in an actual box ya blond dipshit!  Go on, Mittenberger.”

“I realize your time is tight so I'll be brief here.  The giant boat, I think we'll call it an 'Ark', gets built by the two lesbians and the boat builder Phil, who's going to be played by Eddie Peerless.  He's a newcomer but I can sense a real Jason Priestly quality there.  He's going to be big, you wait.”

“Phil's Ark?” interrupts Dipsy.  “Hmm, we may have to work on that a bit, but let's here the rest first.”

“So,” Mittenberger continues, "the boat gets built and it rains for a long, long time.  They just float around for a while, explore aspects of their sexualities, get their shirts wet a lot, and make shallow and mindless social statements in a cheap attempt to forward a liberal Hollywood political agenda.”

“When does Jesus come back in to play here?” asks Dipsy.

“Down the line a bit, the people on the Ark discover him still floating in the basket his mother...and by the way boss, I'm not sure if 'fat Delta' or 'skinny Delta' is going to show up for the shoot, so I gave wardrobe the pager and put them on standby.  Anyway, they find Jesus still floating in the basket and pull him on board.  He immediately takes a liking to the animals on board.  And, in sticking to the literal interpretations of the bible, I've got him healing leopards and stuff.”

Mittenberger goes on. 

“Later they discover that Jesus has two brothers named Caine and Abel, one of whom, and I haven't decided which yet, will climb a mountain and bring down something called 'The Ten Commandments' and will then attempt to lead the hermaphrodites from bondage or whatever.  And speaking of bondage boss, wait until you see the scenes from the boat, they are...”

“I love it!” yells Dipsy.  “It's absolutely brilliant.  You haven't even sacrificed anything in the name of entertainment.  If Christians aren't happy with this story, then nothing will make them happy.  Okay, how about the ending?”

“Well boss, in the end I've got the lesbians getting married and living with Phil on the boat.  Sort of the New Testament's answer to 'Three's Company'.  I figure if this all goes well, we're talking spin-off next year.”

“Excellent!  Okay, hit me with the ending.”

Mittenberger takes a drink of water.  “Okay, in the very last scene of the movie, Jesus is convicted by Pontius Pilate of practicing sorcery and led to a cross to be crucified.  The very last gripping scene of Jesus being resurrected three days after his death and ascending to heaven to act as savior for all mankind will last in peoples minds for a long, long time.”

“Well Mittenberger,” Says Dipsy.  "I like it all except that last part.  Stick to the facts, will you.  I'll look for your rewrite of the ending tomorrow morning.  Bye.”

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