Max Burbank writes Internet comedy and is the director
of The Other White Meat, a very nasty sketch comedy group performing
in Boston and New York City.
By the time you read this, he'll be just about forty and
he's still doing crappy little comedy like this. In addition to having
a marriage and kids, he's also got a mortgage, job and he volunteers locally
- that means he blends in and he could be right behind you, so watch out...
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For information on The Other White Meat's
press and performance schedule, please visit:
ScottCon.com
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Homework
by: Max Burbank
My daughter’s homework assignment for Martin Luther King Junior Day
was to make a poster that illustrated her dream for the world. She
drew a man handing a woman a huge dollar bill and titled it "Rich People
Should Share Their Money With Poor People." Now, she’s only five
and a half, a kindergartner, so as you’d imagine I was pretty proud of
her. Almost, but not quite proud enough to resist the temptation
of telling her that the phrase "Rich People Should Share Their Money With
Poor People" was spelled "I W-i-l-l G-i-v-e Y-o-u T-h-i-s M-o-n-e-y I-n
E-x-c-h-a-n-g-e F-o-r S-e-x." Anything for a laugh, which is why
when her distraught teacher called I told her I hadn’t seen her work, her
mother had helped her with it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe "Rich People Should Share Their
Money With Poor People." When their done sharing, I think they should
be dragged from their mansions, paraded through the streets and maybe even
pilloried, although the jury isn’t quite in on that yet as I have no idea
what ‘pilloried’ means. Furthermore I believe in:
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A maximum wage,
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That big corporations would grind up your arms for pet food if it increased
the bottom line for their stockholders,
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A Camel will pass through the eye of a needle before a rich man shall enter
the kingdom of heaven.
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In ten years time, if not less, I’ll be wearing a shock collar and living
in a barracks as an involuntarily conscripted soldier in the armed forces
of Time Warner/ AOL waiting to die in a hopeless war of attrition against
Disney.
So when my daughter says, "Rich People Should Share Their Money With Poor
People," I think it’s kind of sweet. On the other hand, creating
the illusion that a five year old’s Martin Luther King Day poster is a
ringing endorsement of Prostitution was simply too sweet a plumb to pass
up. I value my principle, but I value a good belly laugh more.
A whole lot more if the truth be told. This might also explain why
I prepared her for Sunday school by telling her Jesus could turn into Captain
Marvel by saying ‘Shazam,’ and he didn’t do that on the cross because he
suffered from severe social anxiety disorder, just like in the Paxil commercials.
Of course it’s a Unitarian Sunday School, so it’s not like they haven’t
heard that kind of thing before.
It’s like my wife tells the kid, "The most important thing is to be
kind." The problem is, being kind is only funny if you’re a total
bastard 98.5 percent of the time, so I’ve got my work cut out for me.
Fatherhood is a full time job.
note #1: Max Burbank still gets a kick out of that "tie
a string to a dollar bill" gag where he leaves it on the ground and yanks
it away just as a starving homeless man reaches for it.
note #2: Mr. Mockery believes that the starving homeless should
eat their own children. Population control.
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