If you’re like me you’re a modern Dad, part of a two income family with an infant, a kindergartner, a demanding career and bags under your eyes from staying up all night using Photoshop to put Henry Kissingerís head on nude, oily, weightlifterís bodies. So you know just how important it is to establish and live by a morning routine that makes sure your child is at school no later than 8:00 AM, ready for a full day of fun, learning and self esteem while still making the 8:06 commuter train you need to be on to arrive at work on time. I’ve assembled a few tips other Dad’s might find useful if, say, they have a child about to enter school or they were recently threatened with divorce if they didn’t ‘start pulling their damn weight around here, it’s not like I made this kid myself!’

THE NIGHT BEFORE
Whether it’s cooking a tasty nutritious meal, keeping the family car in tip top shape or just stalking that celebrity who needs a little ‘help’ understanding the true degree of your devotion, good preparation saves time! From homework to packing her lunch, there’s a lot you can do to
get your child ready for school the night beforehand! That’s why it’s really good to have a child who sees bedtime as the proving grounds of her budding willpower. Nothing says ‘I’m on top of things!’ like an escalating argument ending in a screaming match at midnight. I’ve found a little Niquil in the night-night drink does wonders. For both of us.

WAKING UP
Children, like adults, are all different. Some are morning kids, raring to go from the instant the alarm goes off. Some are slower starters and need gentle encouragement to begin their day. Still others have spent all night dreaming of making you late for work.

BREAKFAST
Everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Once you truly appreciatte that you can feel really bad about the fact you’ll certainly miss yours until the kids are in college. Children are very particular about food. There’s no use or point fighting it and as a parent you need to know how to pick your battles. If your child likes her cinnamon toast with the crusts cut off and then cut into four equal squares, just do it. That way when she tells you she wanted triangles you won’t need coffee to wake up. You’ll have a nice, steaming cup of rage instead.

CHECKLIST
While she’s eating breakfast and watching the cloying, moralistic children’s program of her choice, run down your checklist. Lunch packed? Milk money? Homework in folder? Everything in her backpack? Don’t let slight deviations from the checklist throw you. Remember, the reed that bends in the wind does not break. If she’s left the backpack at school the previous day, just shove all her crap in a garbage bag. All the Teachers and Parents already think you and the wife are some kind of dipsomaniac trailer freaks anyway on account of how you dress her.

DRESSING HER
There’s no point in laying out her clothes the night before. That’s what she wanted to wear last night and there’s no way she wants it now. Whatever outfit you pick first might as well come out of the dirty laundry since she’s going to refuse it anyway. A child needs to make personal choices, but that can be a little overwhelming. Help them by offering a few possibilities. Would you like the Pink Jumper or the Blue Turtleneck and the jeans with the butterflies on them? Neither one? How about these old hip waders and a lobster bib or maybe a nice garbage bag
to match your backpack?

SHOES
Where are your shoes? Well, where did you take them off yesterday? Honey, have you seen her shoes? No, I looked there. And there. Yes, I looked there. Come on, come on, do I have to tear this place apart, must I spend my whole life looking for the remote control and your shoes?! Christ it’s not like we can even afford a place big enough for your shoes to get lost in! Stop crying! STOP CRYING! OH MY GOD, HOW CAN THAT BE THE TIME ALREADY?!

OUT THE DOOR
No matter how much of a rush you’re in at this point, take a deep breath and do a final check. For you this means making sure you have your keys, your lunch, any important paperwork you brought home with you. For her this means collapsing in a weepy heap by the door and telling you her socks feel funny.

PERSPECTIVE
Nowadays we all lead hurried, harried lives. It’s easy to loose perspective and say hurtful damaging things the situation just doesn’t call for. It’s all in how you look at it. Why be angry when you could be proud of the uncanny skill it takes to routinely be just late enough to make you miss your train but not so late as to ruin her chances of getting to visit the Perfect Attendance Prize Bucket on Friday for that all important petrified tootsie roll or plastic whistle with which to help you work on that lovely collection of burst blood vessels you have going in your left eye? Don’t spend your commute fuming. Instead, review, make adjustments to your routine taking today's missteps into account and come up with a new lie to tell your boss about your perpetual lateness. And for God sakes, write it down this time. Your Mom can only die so many times.

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