Max Burbank writes Internet comedy and is the director
of The Other White Meat, a very nasty sketch comedy group performing
in Boston and New York City.
By the time you read this, he'll be just about forty and
he's still doing crappy little comedy like this. In addition to having
a marriage and kids, he's also got a mortgage, job and he volunteers locally
- that means he blends in and he could be right behind you, so watch out...
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For information on The Other White Meat's
press and performance schedule, please visit:
ScottCon.com
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Are You a Sleep Deprived Parent? Take This Simple Quiz...
by: Max Burbank
Things aren’t going so well. Food doesn’t taste as good as it
ought to, television programs I once enjoyed just don’t seem that funny
anymore, and yesterday I think my boss may have tried to kill me.
Does this describe you? Are you sure something is wrong, but you
just can’t put your finger on it? You may be suffering from clinical
depression, some new aspect of PMS major drug conglomerates have only recently
found a way to charge your HMO for in exchange for kickbacks, or even blunt
object trauma, although probably you’d know if it was that last one.
Or you could be one of the millions of sleep deprived parents.
Sleep deprivation, often misdiagnosed as diabetic coma, alcoholism or
bone deep stupidity, is characterized by a slack, pasty quality to the
face, unfocused eyes, slurred speech, sudden inappropriate somnolence and
kids who won’t let you rest even if you beg like a dog.
Are you a sleep deprived parent? If you’re reading this, probably
not. If, on the other hand, leaned up against the refrigerator with
your laptop in the icebox on top of the frozen waffles while scalding coffee
pours down your leg unnoticed and mumbling, “Why words go blurred and doubly?
Words not good. Nnnngh,” you may be a sleep deprived parent.
Why not take this simple quiz and find out?
1.) Do you have children?
A.) According to recent paternity tests, no.
B.) I wouldn’t have children if I was invited to give birth
in a fall out shelter and there was a nuclear war going on.
C.) Yes, but I sleep just fine since I moved out.
D.) What? Oh. Maybe. In the dream I did.
One was crying and crying and then the phone rang, but it was my alarm.
I probably have at least one child. I hope so, because otherwise
I’m going to have a hard time explaining this handful of soiled diapers
to the wife.
2.) If yes to question one, on average how many times do they wake up
each night?
A.) 1-2 times
B.) 3-7 times.
C.) 8-57 times, but often only long enough to ask for a drink.
D.) They don’t sleep. They just take breathers during
my frequent blackouts.
3.) Has fatigue affected your job performance recently?
A.) No, my boss has a five month old and doesn’t even
know our division is being replaced by a third world sweatshop.
B.) I have no difficulty maintaining the ‘needs improvement’
I get at my biannual cash register retraining.
C.) They’re not really that strict about what time I get to
the unemployment office.
D.) JOB?! JOB?! OH, CHRIST, WHEN DID I LAST GO TO
WORK! WHAT DAY IS THIS? WHERE IS THAT G*D D*MN PHONE!?!
4.) Where is that G*d d*mn phone?
A.) What is this, the third degree?
B.) It’s right with the remote, the car keys and one out of
every matched pair of socks I ever owned.
C.) Right here, duct taped to my head. I’m that jerk who’s always
right next to you on the train or in the movies or pretty much anywhere
who’s so totally important he can’t be out of touch with his office for
even five seconds, ever, and if my conversation bothers you I’m sure I’m
sorry but I’m so important I can barely see you much less give a little
tin crap about your likes and dislikes.
D.) I’m pretty sure it’s in the refrigerator. I know,
because the last time I answered it, it made this sort of crunchy sound?
And then there was viscous egg white and yolk running down the side of
my head.
5.) When faced with a difficult decision, I-
A.) Weigh the pros and cons calmly before moving ahead.
B.) Flip a coin.
C.) Blame my coworkers.
D.) Dissolve in a weepy, incoherent puddle and tell total strangers
I was never sure my father loved me.
6.) You’re running late. It’s sleeting. You’re out of the
house, you’ve locked the door when you realize your daughter doesn’t have
her milk money. You-
A.) Go back in the house and get it for her.
B.) Root around under the floor mats of your car for loose change
with you ass hanging out in the freezing rain.
C.) Tell her to blame her mother and hit the teacher up for
a quarter.
D.) Use her backpack for a pillow and let the hard cold
driveway, the icy drizzle and your child’s shouting gently soothe you to
sleep.
7.) Yellow and Blue make-
A.) Green.
B.) Yellow and Blue what make what?
C.) What is this, the third degree?
D.) Hanh? Wuzzat? I tol’ you I din’t have nothin
to do with that rabbit. wuz your uncle never had the green card.
I wuzza one with... it wasn’t your Mom, it was that one eyed guy... with
the... cauli... fowler.
SCORING
If you made it this far you’re not sleep deprived. If you just
skipped ahead to the scoring, a cheating bastard like you will never get
anywhere. If you tried to put the test on over your underwear or
stared at it uncomprehendingly for fifteen minutes and then started silently
crying or just drooled and made a kind of growly noise that you meant to
be speech and you have kids, you may be a sleep deprived parent.
If you did any of those things and you don’t have kids, lay off the sauce.
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