I've eaten at hundreds of restaurants in my lifetime and am truly amazed that many of them manage to stay in business.  I'm not suggesting that the restaurant owners are laundering drug money or something.  Some of them aren't even smart enough to launder their own tablecloths.

It definitely costs money to operate a fancy restaurant, but some owners don't even care to satisfy a customer's basic needs: pleasant music that won't burst your eardrums, clean restrooms that are bigger than a closet, decent food that doesn't include samples of the cook's hair.

Some places call themselves "family" restaurants, because you can't go there without meeting at least one family -- or sometimes several different families -- of flies. Others promote themselves as "fine dining," because when the health inspector visits, he always gives them a fine.

I know what you're thinking: "You get what you pay for."  Well, that's not always true.  Sometimes you get more than you pay for.  For example, a few years ago, my friends and I went to a pizza place in Orlando, Fla., and were entertained, free of charge, by a large flying cockroach.  And believe it or not, the pizza place didn't even call itself "fine dining."

Even worse, at some restaurants, service is almost nonexistent.  If you want someone to bring water to your table, you'd better set your napkin on fire.  But be careful: Some restaurant owners would be absolutely thrilled to see their places burn down.  It saves them the cost of hiring an arsonist.

If a waiter or waitress happens to take your order, they'll pass the information to the cook by yelling so loud that pilots flying overhead can hear.  Sometimes they'll use a language you don't understand: "Mirubathbangkwaj, thirumajafa, Coke, manchuriathong."  They're of course saying, "Bowl of chicken soup, rice with special sauce, and a Coke for the customer with the funny hair."

Shouting an order to the cook is not just a form of communication -- it's also good advertising.  Everyone in the restaurant can hear the order and some may say, "Rice with special sauce?  That sounds good."

In fact, that's the only advertising some restaurants do.  That's because they don't have enough business.  If they had more business, they'd advertise more.

So how do they survive?

Some survive by keeping their expenses down.  They haven't changed their plates and silverware since 1964.  And the last time they stocked the restrooms with toilet paper, Sean Connery had hair.

Others survive by employing family members. Papa cooks the food, Mama runs the register, daughter Maria waits on tables, son Pablo washes the dishes, and cousin Jose fixes the books. 

Jose: "Good news, Pablo.  Your papa doesn't need to pay no taxes this year!  We're getting a refund."

Pablo: "A refund?  Isn't that something we give the customers when they eat Papa's chili?"

Jose: "No, I'm talking about a tax refund.  All I did was subtract your salary and, just like that, we didn't make no profit."

Pablo: "Salary?  What salary?  All I'm getting is three bucks an hour.  That's not even minimum wage."

Jose: "Hey, keep your voice down, Pablo.  Your sister might ask for a raise."

I'm not trying to single out Mexican restaurants.  I'm sure this happens at all types of restaurants - Chinese, Indian, Italian, Ethiopian, Bosnian.

Unfortunately, when it comes to "fine dining," nobody has a monopoly.

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