Max Burbank writes Internet comedy and is the director
of The Other White Meat, a very nasty sketch comedy group performing
in Boston and New York City.
By the time you read this, he'll be just about forty and
he's still doing crappy little comedy like this. In addition to having
a marriage and kids, he's also got a mortgage, job and he volunteers locally
- that means he blends in and he could be right behind you, so watch out...
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For information on The Other White Meat's
press and performance schedule, please visit:
ScottCon.com
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The Seven Wonders of the New World
by: Max Burbank
Any reasonably well educated School child can list the Seven Wonders
of the Ancient World as Herodotus first did in the 5’th Century BC.
The Library at Alexandria, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, That Really
Big Lighthouse, The Humongous Statue of That Guy, A Couple of Other Things
and probably a Pyramid or the Sphinx.
But what of the Wonders of the Modern World? A quick jaunt around
the net will soon reveal little agreement. The Empire State Building,
sure, but is the Alaskan Highway on the list or not? How about the Suez
Canal? Most lists say yes, but not all. Wall Drug? Not
on any lists at all. For a while I thought of trying to assemble
a definitive list of Seven Modern Wonders, but then I thought, “Hey!
The Golden gate Bridge, The Eiffel Tower; all that crap, is, like, older
than my Dad and if you think he’s modern, just ask him the last movie he
saw in a theater. So, here now and for the first time after thinking
about it for almost an hour, I present:
THE SEVEN NEW WONDERS OF THE MODERN WORLD!!
I.) DIGITAL CABLE TELEVISION
A lot has been said about how Cable has diversified programming so
that it’s now profitable to target small interest groups. Your Sci-fi
audience, Your Comedy audience, your old movie audience, your eight or
nine distinct home shopping audiences; This misses the point. Right
now I have about eighty channels. We stand on the threshold of wonder,
only a few channels away from a magic number that will take more than a
half hour to scan through. At this point, many half hour shows will
have ended and new programs begun. Cycling through the channels again
will now be well worth it.
II.) THE MICROWAVE OVEN
I’m sure I heated up water before they made this thing, but I’ll be
damned if I recall how. And now they’ve got that roundy-go-round
thing in most of them, virtually eliminating pesky, microscopic, hidden,
plasma balls of superheated black bean paste in burritos, so you can take
911 off speed dial.
III.) THE CLAPPER
Clap on, Clap off. Like living in Logan’s Run, but real. First
predicted by H.G. Welles and then again by Arthur C. Clarke, it’s not the
personal jet pack I dreamed of as a child, but it's damn close.
IV.) TWINKIE THE KID
America, and the World’s, first openly gay, rodeo related, food product
mascot. Like Jackie Robinson and Al Lieberman, he shattered the Glass
ceiling. Of course, Robinson and Lieberman didn’t get blood laced
cream filling all over the place in the process. At least I don’t
think so.
V.) THE HOOVER DAM
Sue me. I’m a huge Hoover Dam booster. I’ve been there like eight
times, I’ve got T-shirts, Bumper Stickers, a Hoover Dam Screen Saver and
for Science Fair ‘79 I built a scale Hoover Dam out of tongue depressors,
thawed Fudsicle material and pudding skin. The Hoover Dam stays on
the list and if you don’t like it you can screw. Plus, it lets me
say ‘hoover’ and giggle knowingly. I’ll give you a hint: I’m not
thinking of the President.
VI.) SOUTH OF THE BORDER
One of the last great American tributes to the comic possibilities
inherent in poverty stricken immigrants, This Fourteen acre Lawn Jockey
on our Nation’s metaphorical front yard is even more hysterical today then
it was back when we didn’t know pointing and hee-hawing at non Anglo Ethnic
groups was a public display of ignorance. In particular I recommend
‘Pedro’s Dirty Old Man Shop.’ It’s an adult book store right in the
middle of a family oriented road side attraction! Convenient as hell
for the bored Dad taking the family to Disney World.
VII.) INTERNET PORN
No, really, stick with me here a moment. Nothing is more egalitarian,
nothing more American than internet porn, despite the ironic fact that
many of your most choice sites are physically located in Germany and the
Netherlands. Internet porn is by the people, for the people and there
is something for everyone without having to share knowledge of your fetish
with the pimple faced, sub human behind the counter at Seven Eleven.
Don’t believe me? Try entering
rec/arts/erotica/spanking/Nixon/Clydesdale and see what you come up
with. Not impressive enough? Surf on over to the search engine
of your choice and type in “Liza Minelli stigmata fisting panties” and
see if you don’t find at least six web pages.
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