Every now and then, a great invention comes along that transforms the world and makes our lives easier, if not better.

The plane, invented a century ago, gave people the freedom to travel anywhere in the world, meet all kinds of foreigners, and, if necessary, drop bombs on them.  It also created the need for large airports, where thousands of passengers could stand in line, waiting for their next flight to be cancelled. 

The television, invented some 80 years ago, allowed people to invite a variety of guests into their homes, guests who would inform and entertain them, but unlike real guests, would never expect any food.  Some of these guests would even wrestle each other, saving people the trouble of visiting the zoo.

The Internet, invented more recently, gave people the ability to chat with strangers around the world, visit thousands of interesting websites and download pictures of actors and models, while pretending to be working.  Yes, thanks to the Net, millions of people with no athletic skill
whatsoever have managed to become professional surfers.  And not all of them work for the government.

It's no wonder people get excited when they hear rumors of another great invention.  They can't help imagining how it might improve their lives: "Perhaps it will allow me to drive my car while taking a nap.  Perhaps it will allow my mother to send me delicious food by email.  Perhaps it will allow my cat to operate the lawn mower and my dog to do the dishes."

Such wonderment was rampant in recent months with the news that Dean Kamen, a prominent inventor with more than 150 patents, had created something called "Ginger," expected to be more revolutionary than the World Wide Web.  Even I was excited.  "More revolutionary than the Web?" I asked.  "Oh my goodness.  What has this great inventor created?  Has he helped mankind everywhere by inventing a machine that will warn us, in a reliable way, about any nearby occurrence of PMS?  If so, I want to be the first to own it.  And if I can't afford it, I want to be the first to steal it.  It could be the greatest invention in history, even greater than the nose-hair trimmer."

With the PMS-Detector, I would know when to keep my mouth shut, when to get out of the way, when to hide under the bed. I'd finally feel safe.

But unfortunately Kamen's invention isn't that revolutionary.  Though he has revealed little about it, Inside magazine apparently did enough investigating to conclude that "Ginger"  - also known as "IT" - is nothing more than a hydrogen-powered scooter.  What a disappointment, especially to Americans, who couldn't care less about scooters, whether they're hydrogen-powered or hyena-powered.

Scooters are just too small to get Americans excited.  The average American has gained 30 pounds in the last few decades and is now large enough to EAT several scooters.  And what about all those Americans who don't want to be just average?

Americans, in general, do not like to be bigger than their mode of transportation.  That's why Oprah rarely travels by bus.

Most Americans prefer vehicles that are big enough to haul not just their entire families, but also several sumo wrestlers.  Just in case they go to Japan.

Never mind that a scooter would be more fuel-efficient.  If it can't haul a fat foreigner, what's the use?

So maybe Dean Kamen needs to go back to the drawing board.  If he's intent on inventing something that's hydrogen-powered, I'd be willing to invest all my money  -- every last penny -- in a hydrogen-powered PMS-Detector.

Even if I had to make all the hydrogen myself.

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