The year 2001 reminds me of an unwelcome visitor to my home, one who eats all my food, draws pictures on my walls, and keeps switching my television to the Lifetime channel.  The visitor is finally leaving (good riddance!) and I hope the next visitor (2002) doesn't find my remote.

Yes, 2001 was a terrible year for America, but we can look forward to happier times in 2002. Gazing into my crystal ball, I see a number of rather interesting events:

• In response to a British man's attempt to blow up an American Airlines plane with bombs in his shoes, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft asks Congress to pass another anti-terrorism law.  "From now on," he recommends, "foreigners who travel to the United States must do so barefooted.  And they must remain barefooted at all public functions.  This rule should apply to all foreigners, even those currently dating Tom Cruise."
• Searching a home in Kandahar, Afghanistan, U.S. troops find another videotape carrying evidence against Osama bin Laden. In this 90-minute tape, bin Laden, speaking in Arabic to a Saudi sheikh, claims responsibility for Michael Jackson's nose.  Critics of America's foreign policy are finally convinced that the bombing of Afghanistan was justified. Meanwhile, authorities in India dispute the evidence.  "If anyone is responsible for Jackson's nose," Defense Minister George Fernandes says, "it is Pakistan."
• One million people gather in Kabul, Afghanistan, for the opening of a new store: Victoria's Secret.  "I love this store," says one woman, buying some lingerie. "It is much better than where I used to shop: Just Burkas."  Her husband agrees.  "Whoever Victoria is," he says, "May Allah bless her!"
• The third time is the charm for actress Drew Barrymore, whose first marriage, to bar owner Jeremy Thomas, lasted 19 days, and second marriage, to actor Tom Green, just six months.  After finding "true love" in the arms of comedian Carrot Top, she surprises everyone by making the marriage last an entire year.  Hollywood actresses throw a party for her.  "Tell us, tell us," they demand.  "What's your secret?"
• After watching the euro, Europe's common currency, struggle to challenge the dollar as the world's premier currency, African nations introduce their own common currency: the afro.  "We're emulating the euro," Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe says, taking a break from invading a farm.  "If the euro can fare so miserably, so can the afro."
• Actress Anne Heche, who returned to heterosexuality after breaking up with Ellen DeGeneres, becomes one of the first owners of Dean Kamen's latest invention, a self-balancing, battery-powered scooter, nicknamed "IT" by the media.  "I haven't had much luck with males or females," Heche says.  "I might as well give 'IT' a shot."
• Thousands of children protest in Sweden when J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, is denied the Nobel Prize in literature.  "If V.S. Naipaul can win it, so can J.K. Rowling," says one child.  A literary critic disagrees.  "There's a fine distinction between Rowling's books and Naipaul's," she says.  "Rowling often writes about Hogwarts. Naipaul often writes hogwash."

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