Before I begin this week’s column, I really need to get something off my chest ...

Okay, I’m glad I got that crumb off of my shirt.  One thing we are not able to get off anyone’s
shirt, however, is the “employees’ favorites” section of a video store.  This is where Joe B who works behind the counter gets to display his recommended movie picks in the corner of the store, along with the picks of Jerry A, Tammy J, Willy D and whoever else happens to be working there.  Maybe even Polly Q.  What gets me is how acclaimed these movies always seem to be, as if the employees are worried about their reps (yeah, and working at a video store really helps that).  It’s likely Joe B was not hired for his movie expertise, so he doesn’t have to fake actually liking “The English Patient” and “Il Postino.”  It’s bad enough the Academy Awards has to do that ...

We know that if these video store employees were truly showing their tastes, the selections
would include “Ghost Dad” and some newly released collection of ALF re-runs.  The same goes for the Academy, who has been waiting for John Ritter to be in something that isn’t “Problem Child” so they can throw him the Oscar he’s been waiting for.  And what is the purpose of wasting this space in the video store anyway?  Is someone really going to rent a video because some random 16-year old with a half-mustache picks it as an instant classic?  

My gripes this week don’t totally revolve around video stores, though.  I also have a problem
with a couple of expressions.  One that we can do without is: “That’ll cost you an arm and a
leg.”  I mean, since when are limbs accepted currency?  If I am selling something expensive,
give me money for it.  I don’t want your arm.  What in the heck am I going to do with that?  A
third arm is less valuable than the broken television I probably sold to you ...

And then there’s the expression: “I bet that cost you a mint.”  What are we saying costs a mint
-- good breath?  Or is this expression geared towards those who purchase Tic-Tacs?

“Hey, I bet that Tic-Tac cost you a mint,” one says.

“Yep,” another replies.  “I traded Danny a Cert for it.”

And, finally, there’s my personal favorite: “That must have cost you a pretty penny.”  What an
insult!  Why not through a cheap shot at the person’s mother while you’re at it?  You save
money for years just to have someone tell you it cost one cent.  Or have I been blind all these
years because I didn’t know that better looking pennies are worth more money? 

I bet the Game Show Network is making money.  The other day I found myself watching an hour of a “Joker’s Wild” marathon that originally aired in 1980.  I now fully understand what it means to waste time.  And this particular channel capitalizes on this very activity of wasting time.
Anyone with something else to do would not possibly turn to a re-run of “Family Feud” or “Match Game.”  You see, it’s never the dilemma of “Well, I could do this or I could do that.”  If there was a “this,” then you would not be watching the Game Show Network.    You’ve resorted to the “that” because it’s all that is left.  So what’s the value here?  The contestants on these shows may be dead now, and regardless you’ve never known them to begin with.  The money they won was definitely not spent on you, and they probably won the money because the other person or team was an idiot anyway.  Now that I think of it, this is very close to real life.  I’m going to get back to watching that marathon ...

But I digress.

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