In this day and age, we have it all.  All sorts of products and services that are supposed to make our lives easier.  They tell us that we are on the cutting edge of technology and in the most advanced age in history.  If this is all true, then why do I still feel about as lucky as a Port-O-San at Woodstock?

I've always been one who tends to be skeptical of any new product or idea until it's real worth can be proven to me.  Every time I've tried something "cutting edge" or new, I always think it could have been done quicker and/or with higher quality the old way.  Even so, I do think that modern technology has it's place in my life.  Take those pagers that vibrate when you get a call. It's like a party in your pocket!  This is the ultimate example of understanding and marketing a technological product to the male demographic.  Many times we're out in a restaurant or other place with a loud atmosphere and can't hear the pager go off, so it vibrates in your pocket.  Quite a rush!  I now know that the company which manufactures them must have gone in with the phone company, because I must have spent hundreds of dollars at pay phones calling myself.

Just what are these "modern miracles" you ask?  Well, there are a great many.  Some of these products are in the marketplace today, and some are still in the experimental phase.  They all have one thing in common though, they will all be like Dennis Rodman.....they will be either annoying the hell out of us, entertaining us, perplexing us, scaring us, being loud, cross-dressing and having sex with Madonna, whether we like it or not!

Videophones -- All of us who wake up looking like Keith Richard are as frightened as Pat Buchanan at Temple Beth Shalom at the prospect of this invention.  Who thought of this?  I have trouble enough convincing my boss that I'm home sick in audio form without having him see the Caribbean strip club that I'm at in the background.  The liability lawsuits alone will soon bankrupt this company into oblivion.  The first person who calls Joan Collins, who hasn't had time for sandblasting and plaster yet, at 6:30 in the morning and instead sees "The Cryptkeeper" will more than likely sue for mental distress (as if Dynasty alone wasn't enough to throw anyone over the edge).

Silicone Breast Implants -- Okay, I am a guy, and I realize that guy's don't care if the things are real or not, but we're getting a little over-obsessive here aren't we fellas?  I mean, we elevated Pamela Anderson to Goddess-like stature on breast power alone.  Are we that shallow?  Of course we are.  But now she's gotten them removed and her career is in the same place as Dom Deluise's burrito dinner.  She says she had them taken out because of various health concerns, the same reason she gave for divorcing Tommy Lee.  If the silicone leaks it can even cause brain damage.  Yeah Pam, wouldn't want you to do anything nutty like videotape yourself sucking on a traffic cone or display acting ability that makes Tori Spelling look like Katherine Hepburn.

The Internet -- Right now, the internet is still in it's technological infancy.  It's like actress Tracy Lords....a bit slow, but you can get porn from it.  I really have no use for the internet, but it's fun for all of us who are afraid to leave our houses to look around every once in a while to see what's out there.  If you've read books like Microsoft Chairman Bill Gate's tome "The Road Ahead" before getting yourself into web surfing, you were probably very excited at the prospects, weren't you?  Then, when you signed on, you realized it was just like going to the library...with a twenty-five dollar a month membership...and no card catalog...or books.  Now we have all these people who would like to see every school wired for internet service as a teaching tool.  Oh, that's a great idea, guy's!  "Lets see, Johnny can't read, write or find the globe on a globe....if only we could get him into 'Cyberscrew/biteme.com' his education would be complete!"  It's no wonder kids are more confused than John Rocker on the subway.

Cellular Phones -- These things have been around for a long time now, but are still causing accidents nationwide.  The human species strives for self importance.  And what can make us feel more important than the fact that we're so busy, we just can't be out of contact with our "people" for very long.  I always like to watch people whip out their phone when they're in a
crowded situation to impress others, and you know they're just calling "Time".  I don't have anything personally against cell phones, I just don't want to get rear ended and die in a twisted metal inferno just because you were phone sexing your girlfriend and steering with your knee!  If Alexander Graham Bell were alive today, he'd...well, probably have been run over by someone driving and talking on a cell phone by now.  Can't you wait until you're home to make your doctors appointment?  On second thought, I've heard they can cause brain tumors, so maybe you're just a prudent planner!

High Definition Television -- In typical fashion, the governments acronym for this is HIGH DEFINITION TELEVISION.  There are actually government regulations regarding HDTV and television stations.  Within the next couple of years, every TV station must be equipped to broadcast HDTV or face FCC penalties, but they are not penalized for contaminating the airwaves with turds like "Joanie Loves Chachi" and "Sabrina, Teenage Witch"!  Is there no justice?  So here we are, all TV stations must spend a small fortune to upgrade their broadcasting equipment in the next two years.  All this just so the three people who were stupid enough to pay three thousand dollars a piece for one of these televisions instead of waiting for it to reach "critical mass" and the price drops 65% can see every gravy stain on Mel's shirt during their beloved "Alice" reruns!

Where Technology needs to go:

Though we do have more advantages than some of those who came before us, there are areas that are severely lacking in advancement.  For example, the inflatable woman looks almost just as it did fifty years ago, just with a little different hairstyle.  Can't we get to work on this one?  We're way behind the Europeans on this.  Can't we make it do something?  Make it more real? Make it ask for money?  Make it leakproof so I don't have to take her to the gas station to refill the air at the compressor while everyone stares at me and...I mean...IF I had one, that's probably what would happen.  Where was I?

Another eyesore that requires a remedy soon is the power line situation.  Think about it.  Look at all of our fabulous technology.  Wireless communication, rockets that can traverse the galaxy, miraculous artificial organs...then look up at the power lines on poles.  It doesn't fit!  It's like watching H. G. Wells' "The Time Machine" and, in the part when they're in the year three thousand, still having a guy in the background churning butter.  The poles are also a tremendous waste of resources and, if they were gotten rid of, would give one less thing for the people who are on cell phones to run into. **Authors note**  Don't you love those commercials where the power line is down and sparking like a forty year-old vibrator, but someone is about to touch it anyway?  "I'll take 'Darwin' for five-hundred, Alex!"

We have made gigantic leaps in our technological advances in just the past century alone.  Think about it, in the last hundred years, we've gone from a farmer scooping up the poop from his only form of transportation, his horse, to putting a man on the moon.  Soon perhaps, the technology will be so cheap and advanced that we'll all be able to live on the moon.  More than likely still scooping up poop though.

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