To begin with, let’s look at the root problem, which is apparently the city of Jerusalem. Islam, Christianity and Judaism all view the city of Jerusalem as a holy place, which makes any solution where one of the three faiths gets to keep Jerusalem a temporary solution at best. It stands to reason, then, that the first step to any long-term answer involves emptying the city of Jerusalem altogether. Radical, yes, but far superior to the current Solomonic answer of splitting the city in half.

But emptying Jerusalem is only one part of the plan. In order to ensure that it remains unoccupied by either of the warring factions, somebody else will have to be put there. This group will have to be prepared to live in near-total isolation from the outside world while surrounded by hostility. This group will have to be accustomed to hardship, and it will have to come to the table with a preexisting societal structure. And most important, this group will have to be non-violent in nature.

I’m speaking, of course, of the Amish.

Relocating the Amish to the city of Jerusalem solves a great many problems. No longer will Israel and Palestine constantly war with one another. Instead, they can band together and hate the Amish. And the Amish won’t mind, having already decided they dislike the outside world. They also dislike electricity, which makes them ideal citizens of the Middle East.

According to the best available statistics, there are roughly 100,000 Amish in the world, all within the United States. Rounding them up shouldn’t be that difficult. Better, what with the population discrepancy (Jerusalem is currently home to millions) there should be ample space available for farming once the city is emptied out and a few walls are knocked down.

Naturally, every plan has its drawbacks. Let’s look at some of them.

• Won’t the Palestinians and Israelis just kill all the Amish?

Not necessarily, no. To begin with, the Amish are very handy. They build furniture, which is always useful, and they also build barns. Everybody needs a barn; even Yasser Arafat. And, there is something about the Amish that appeals to everybody. Christians will appreciate the fact that the Amish are also Christians. The Jews will appreciate that they take the Old Testament very seriously and wear the same beards, and the Muslims will like the fact that they are almost obscenely strict about some rather odd things, like zippers.

This alone may not be enough. However, as we all learned from Witness, the Amish are very good at standing around and saying things like "are you going to shoot all of us?" until the embarrassed gun-toting person slinks away in shame. Unfortunately, in the Middle East, sometimes the answer is "yes, I would very much like to shoot all of you." But here, the Amish hold a huge advantage over any other potential occupier: they will not shoot back. They know nothing of the ways of war, and even if they did, they can’t very well carry a concealed weapon in those clothes. Thus, there will be no escalation of violence with the Amish on one side of a conflict.

• Won’t the Amish have a problem with this?

Again, perhaps not. As fundamentalist Christians, they no doubt hold Jerusalem in as much high esteem as anybody. They would probably be quite eager to erect a barn on the Temple Mount if given the chance. Relocation would also help them to maintain their numbers. There is an Amish rite of passage called "rumspringa," which every Amish person undergoes at age sixteen. Essentially, the ceremony involves telling their teenagers to go out and experience the world. The problem has been that lately, not so many of them are coming back after experiencing the comforts many of us take for granted, such as running water and porn. But if the Amish lived in Jerusalem, the outside world would consist primarily of heavily armed Arabs and Jews, and very little porn. Thus, while rumspringa now lasts for anywhere between one year and forever, a Mid-Eastern Amish sixteen-year-old would likely be back within the hour.

More importantly-- and this is a point that cannot be repeated enough-- the Amish do not have electricity. Provided any discussion of this matter remains on the internet, they will not know we are coming. We could even put the matter to a vote. (The Amish do not vote.) Even if they did know, they are not armed. What could they do? Stare at us?

• Isn’t forcibly relocating an entire population a bad thing?

It may not be the best thing one could do, but keep in mind that A: we’ve done it before (the American Indians) with great success, B: there are worse things one could do with an entire population than relocate them (i.e., the Holocaust) and C: again, they will not know we are coming.

• Won’t this hurt tourism?

Yes. Unfortunately, many people visit Pennsylvania Dutch country every year to stare at the Amish. However, many people also visit Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia, and Plimouth Plantation in Massachusetts, and in both of those cases the "locals" are played by actors. It should be very easy to hire actors to play the Amish so as to reduce the negative impact to Pennsylvania’s all-important tourism dollars.

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