A recent Time magazine cover story says that more Americans are becoming vegetarians. Forgive me, but I hadn't noticed. Grocery stores are still selling tons of meat, restaurants are still serving steaks and burgers, and animal activists are still bringing home the bacon. Well, some of them anyway.

If Americans are eating less beef, somebody forgot to pass the good news to all the cows. They're still walking around with long faces. A few look downright miserable, almost as depressed as WorldCom investors.

The only trend I've noticed is the one in my home, where vegetarianism seems to have gained a foothold. No, I haven't given up meat. Are you crazy? I'd sooner give up oxygen.

But I've allowed the vegetables on my plate to grow -- far beyond their usual quota. It's part of my new affirmative action plan. I'm giving all foods an equal opportunity to be eaten.

Some days, the veggies get aggressive, demanding that I eat them exclusively. "You neglected us all those years," they say. "You owe us. Besides, think of the poor cows. They have a right to live!"

The meats always fight back. "We made you who you are," they say. "You owe us. Besides, think of the poor cattle farmers. They have a right to live!"

How did this happen? How did the veggies get so powerful, jostling with the meats, threatening the entire landscape of my plate?

The answer is simple: There's a vegetarian in my house! A real living and breathing vegetarian!

My mother-in-law is visiting from India, a land where vegetarians are common and cows dance in the streets. "Hurray! Hurray! They're eating veggies again today!"

For the first time in my life, I'm living with someone who'd rather eat a leaf than beef, rather chew cork than pork.

My mother-in-law is taking care of her first grandchild and doing most of the cooking. The menu includes just about anything that doesn't have legs: beans, cabbage, eggplant, spinach, petunia, begonia ...

Thankfully, my mother-in-law is an excellent cook, producing Indian dishes that make my mouth water, enticing me to eat vegetables such as okra and bitter gourd, which are usually as appetizing as ear wax. "This is delicious," I find myself saying. "Are you sure you didn't add a little meat?"

I never knew veggies could be so tasty. I never knew I could go several days without meat -- without dreaming about beef curry and chicken wings, without having nightmares about broccoli and Brussels sprouts. "Coming soon to a theater near you: M. Night Shyamalan's Sixth Serving of Sprouts."

Am I healthier? Probably. Less meat means less fat to expand my waistline, less cholesterol to clog my arteries. Studies show that consuming more plant-based foods reduces the risk of heart disease, obesity, diabetes and cancer, not to mention the risk of offending one's mother-in-law.

But before you turn into a vegetarian, remember that meat delivers loads of protein. To make up for it, you'd have to do a good job of balancing your fruits, vegetables, grains, legumes and nuts. That may be somewhat tricky, especially if you think a legume is a type of women's hosiery.

As for me, I enjoy meat too much to give it up completely. But the next time I shop for groceries, I may spend a little more time touching the legumes and a little less time admiring the breasts.

The chicken breasts, that is.

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