I recently borrowed a book called "Investing for Dummies" from my local library, not because I consider myself a dummy, but because I've lost faith in stock market experts and want to find out what all the dummies are investing in.

Surely the dummies didn't put all their money in companies like Enron and WorldCom, whose executives failed to disclose the fact that, despite reports to the contrary, they're slime balls.

Surely the dummies made wiser investments, such as buying stock in that innovative company that makes dog underwear. It may seem like a strange product, but dogs are evolving rather fast, already displaying more human qualities, in general, than the average WorldCom executive.

Surely the dummies invested in companies whose names they can identify with, companies such as "Dingbat Data Systems," "Imbecile Industries," and "Moron Mutual." As many distraught stockholders have learned, it's better to have invested in Moron than Enron.

Dummies rarely claim to be financial wizards, but they do know some basic terms and principles. They know, for example, that a dreamer can make you dream, a gambler can make you gamble, and a broker can make you broke.

When dummies hear the term "bull market," they know that someone will be spreading it around rather thick. And when they hear "bear market," they know they'll have even more to bear. (Greed has no limits in the financial world and if you don't believe me, just check out the fancy limousine that Enron's CEO bought for his dogs. As though silk underwear wasn't enough!)

Dummies try to be realistic about their investment returns, which may explain why they didn't get carried away with WorldCom's IPO (initial public offense). Instead, they focused on the company's ROI (restatement of inaccuracies).

Dummies know the importance of diversification, even if they have a little trouble spelling it. "My stocks are giving me heartburn," one man wrote to his brokers. "I hope you can give them a little more digestion."

It's safe to assume that this man invested only a small portion of his life savings in dot-com companies and doesn't shudder whenever he hears the word "retirement." Meanwhile, some of his "wiser" friends are more certain about life after death than life just before.

Dummies think long-term. They don't expect to become millionaires by age 30. They're willing to wait until 32. If that doesn't happen, they don't panic. They just marry Liz Taylor. If she isn't available, there's always Anna Nicole Smith, who knows all about marrying for money. "When the stock market fails you," her agent tells tycoons, "you can always invest in the stocky market. As long as she gets hitched on her TV show, she doesn't mind where she gets ditched."

Dummies realize that a person's net worth can't always be measured in dollars and cents. Sometimes it must be measured in pounds and shillings. (Especially if the person lives in a pub.)

But the ultimate way is to look into a person's heart. If he or she can feel good about making a few million from a company's stock, while many employees and investors are getting ripped off, then net worth is a few million below zero.

You don't have to be a dummy to know that.

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