HOLLYWOOD (Just Laugh) - Jerry Mathers was rushed to Anything But General Hospital late last evening after allegedly being bit by a beaver. Doctor Catheter, who was the physician on duty, claimed that Jerry was in stable condition, but is suffering two large bite marks and an unhealthy desire to gnaw on wood products. It was alleged that there were no witnesses, however, Jerry was found by his television mother, Barbara Billingsly (June Cleaver), who called the police promptly after she finished vacuuming her living room in her Sunday Best dress and white high heels.

The local police suspect foul play as the beaver community has always been highly offended by the television show, Leave it to Beaver, where Jerry Mathers played Theodore aka Beaver Cleaver. Just Laugh interviewed the local beaver community to get their opinions about this event. It was discovered that they were less than sympathetic to Jerry’s plight.

"It’s about time we turned the tables on them." one beaver remarked while chewing on a piece of tree bark, "We are always portrayed in a negative light. Making a show where the buck-toothed kid is named Beaver was the last straw. Maybe this will make adults more sensitive to our (expletive deleted)" The beaver never finished his sentence because he got a splinter in his mouth.

One beaver suggested that the apparent hate crime was not due to The Beaver’s appearance, but instead was due to the use of the word “beaver” in modern slang.

"Before, a beaver was just an animal. Now, you can’t even say the word "beaver" without 100 perverts giggling like little girls around you. I think the assault on The Beaver was a failed attempt at preserving the name “beaver” from finding its place on George Carlin’s list of dirty words."

George Carlin was allegedly laughing too hard at the word "beaver" to comment.

However, beavers in the Hollywood community showed some sympathy. Bucky, who is one of the stars of Animal Planet, commented, "I’ve always thought the Beaver was a very noble character. Sure, he has buck teeth, but so do all of us. I wish him the best of luck in his recovery."

As of now, the police have no suspects. Jerry Mathers is apparently doing very well and is surrounded by friends and family. The mystery of the mysterious biter may never be solved. However, Jerry’s televised brother Tony Dow (Wally Cleaver), who was at Jerry‘s bedside, reportedly summed up the incident the best.

"Heck, Jerry. That beaver sure was goofy."

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