RANCHO MIRAGE, Ca. (Just Laugh) - The entire reading community was appalled today when a 9-year old boy was sent to the Betty Ford Clinic for detoxification treatment after a doctor diagnosed him as being Hooked on Phonics.

Aunt I Personality, the boy's reading teacher, gave a tearful plea for the boy's recovery.

"All I wanted him to do was to learn how to read as well as the other children in my class. Instead, I turned him into a phonics junkie, getting high off of prefixes and suffixes. I recommended that the boy spend more time studying his phonics. I had no idea the kid was going to get addicted as he did."

The boy's best friend noticed a change prior to the boy's diagnosis.

"Well like, I was trading Pokemon cards with him. And, do you like Pokemon cards? And like, he was like, all like, 'I threw out my Pokemon Cards'. And, I got the most rarest Pokeomn card..you wanna see? And so anyway, I was like, 'Why did you throw out your Pokemon cards?' Cause, like, I would take his Pokemon cards, even though I have most all of his cards because he has a really sucky collection. But, he like, said that he was into these reading flash cards and I thought he sucked so I told him he can't be my friend anymore because he's such a nerd. And, like I want an ice cream cone. 'BUY ME AN ICE CREAM CONE!'" The child allegedly started kicking and screaming and was unable to further comment.

We spoke to the boy's physician regarding his prognosis. He was rather optimistic.

"He will do just fine, but it's a long and hard road. He will have to abstain completely from reading anything even slightly intellectual. In fact, the only things he is really allowed to read are comic books, cereal boxes, the little sticks in houseplants, and Kelsey Grammar's autobiography."

While reading is still highly encouraged, like any pleasurable activity it can be overdosed. Parents are encouraged to watch their children closely for any of the warning signs:

Purchasing a large amount of Phonics related flashcards

Using any adjectives besides "Cool", "Sweet", or "Bitchin'"

Actually reading school books instead of hiding a girlie book in the textbook pages.

Being able to pronounce all the ingredients listed on an ice cream container with perfect clarity (Breyer's All Natural ice cream is excepted).

If your child experiences any or all of these symptoms, it is best to plant them in front of the television and force them to watch infomercials, professional wrestling, or any random reality based television show hosted by William Shatner. If the symptoms don't improve, be sure to call your local Betty Ford clinic. There is one phrase that all parents should keep in mind.

A book a day, keeps the social worker well-paid.

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