In addition to being a reasonably prolific humorist, Gene
Doucette is also the author of several plays, a novelist, an opinion columnist,
and a standup comic. He has also recently completed his first screenplay.
In addition to all of that, he also has a wife and two children, a dog,
and four cats to support, which he does by working an actual full time
job. We are pretty sure Gene does not sleep.
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The rest of Gene's columns can be found at his
website
GenePoool
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| Gene's work can also be found at the following websites: |
| The NetWits |
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Show Gene your true appreciation by purchasing one of his books...
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The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
(2002)
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Beating Up Daddy:
A Year in the Life of an Amateur Father
(1999)
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How to Fend Off an Attack from an Extradimensional Invader from the Planet Nebulon Four
(from The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook)
by: Gene Doucette
The beings from the planet Nebulon Four are very aggressive in nature and have developed a taste for the human Medulla Oblongata (which is somewhere in the brain, we think.) They are not to be confused with the docile "pod people" of Nebulon Five. Before taking agressive action of any kind, count the tentacles. Invaders from Nebulon Four have six tentacles, whereas Nebulon Five inhabitants have eight.
1: Go ahead and panic This will buy you some time, as the Nebulon Four invaders are unfamiliar with human emotions. Running around, screaming, calling out to your mother, wetting yourself, etc., will confuse them.
2: Stay out of their grasp for as long as possible You will not be able to outrun them, because they can run very quickly due to having grown up on a large planet with a greater gravitational pull. They will often fall for the "what's that over there?" trick, especially since they have only one eye.
3: Avoid the mouth Do not assume that the small opening below their noses is the mouth; it is not. That orifice is used exclusively for smoking Parliaments. The mouth is underneath their torso in the middle of their six tentacles.
4: Find the weak spot The weak spot on invaders from Nebulon Four is between the third and fourth tentacle (counting clockwise, starting from the front left tentacle.) It is only about the size of a quarter. Punch this spot as hard as you can until it says something that sounds like "blurk." (Roughly translated, this means "oww, goddamnit!")
5: Run Nebulon Four invaders have a very low pain threshhold, and it will take them several minutes to recover after being hit in the weak spot. If you are nowhere in sight by the time they feel like moving again, they will look for another victim.
Things to know
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Invaders from Nebulon Four are usually attracted to mad scientists and buxom blonde women. Be sure to stay away from mad scientists at all times.
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