NEW YORK (Just Laugh) - After much searching by the Eintstein University for Poorly Working Craniums, the stupidest person on earth was revealed today. Ima Tard, originally claiming to be from Dakota, was named the stupidest person alive late this afternoon after taking the SATs (Stupidity Aptitude Test). Ima is reported to have scored the highest score ever on the stupidity test, a score never have thought to be possible unless one is brain dead, born without a cerebrum, or a supermodel. When asked where Dakota was in the United States, she simply replied, "You know, that big state in the west that's so big it has a North and South, much like that Virginia state that has Virginia and West Virginia" Coincidentally, Ima also could only recall 47 out of the 50 states (also inventing a new state called "Carolina").

Ima Tard has a very impressive history of stupidity. She was the first person ever to get lower than a 200 on their SATs, a feat quite impossible as a person automatically gets a score of 200 for putting their name on the paper. Allegedly, she wrote her name as "Right here in this space" as per her teacher's instructions (who said at the beginning of the test "Your name will be written, right here in this space"). She has extensive history working as the Food and Drug Administration's G.P.F.A.I. (Guinea Pig Food Additives Insgestor), as a test subject to see if new food additives could be cancer-causing in human beings. She is recently working on the Microwave Project which entails her to sit in a microwave for 8 hours a day to see if the rays are really cancer-causing. She also received a score of "1" on the last IQ test, a score usually reserved for plankton, ameobas, and monster truck fans.

Many argued that going simply by standardizing testing was not the way to judge stupidity. "Everyone knows those tests are gender biased. They favor women by trying to make them look stupid." one townsperson remarked, "Dan Quayle got a perfect SAT score, yet he can't spell potato."

Many stupidity fans were appalled, as they felt that April Fool, the runner up for the World's Stupidest Person, was more qualified for the position. "April doesn't know her (expletive deleted) from a hole in the ground." her exterminator reported, "She called me reporting a pest sighting in her house. I asked here if she saw a mouse or a cockroach. She actually said 'I couldn't tell' I would have had better luck asking Stevie Wonder."

Ima Tard's kindergarten teacher spoke out on Ima's behalf. "Ima has always been as dumb as bricks. When the rest of the kids were finger painting, she was painting her fingers. If I told her to skip, she would jump. During Geography, I asked her what state Toledo was in and she said 'good, I guess'. If I didn't know better, I would think she was inbred."

Ima will be receiving her award by the M.O.R.O.N. society (Mental Outcasts, and Relatively Obtuse Nitwits. It will be followed by a congratulatory shower (M.O.R.O.N. instructs all members to bring full rain gear), a speech by Elmer Fudd, and an exhausting amount of country line dancing.

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