Hershey, PA (Just Laugh) - Are you sick of your Halloween candy? Have you heard the quiet sounds of your teeth screaming in fear when you unwrap a miniature chocolate bar? Does the thought of eating one more Milky Way make your spleen start producing bile (which would be a feat since your spleen doesn’t produce bile)? The Transylvanian School of Dentistry has got the answer for you. Dr. S. Uk, the top researcher at the facility, has compiled a list of alternatives to use your Halloween candy effectively.

• With hunting season coming up, small round chocolate candy, like Whoppers, can be useful. Shooting out of a rifle, these chocolates can be quite powerful. Not to mention, you’ll be the envy of all hunters because you won’t even have to wait for the deer to appear since they’ll just follow the scent of the chocolate malted goodness.
• That pesky neighbor of your still letting his kids trample all through your flowerbed? Don’t get mad, get even. Give your dog a chocolate bar and take him for a walk...on your neighbor’s welcome mat.
• Want to build a time capsule but you don’t want to spend the money? No matter! Just get a bunch of Mary JaneÒ candy and glue them together to make a capsule. Scientists have proven that the only thing left on this earth after humans become extinct will be Styrofoam, plastic, and Mary Jane.
• When charities come knocking on your door, jam a bunch of that crappy Halloween candy that sewer rats would turn their nose up at in their donation basket. Shame on them, after all. They should have specified donation of WHAT.
• Up for a promotion at work and it’s between you and someone else? This is where that crappy Halloween gum comes into play. Melt it with a cigarette lighter and place it strategically on your opponent’s chair prior to the "big day". If it’s a close call, "no gum on the ass" will always beat out "gum on the ass".
• If all else fails, freeze the candy and use it for the next holiday. Nothing really says "Thanksgiving" than a big slice of Jolly Ranchers and Tootsie Roll pie.





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