LOS ANGELES (Just Laugh) - The Science School for Stupid Studies confirmed something that mothers knew for years. Apparently, if you make a funny face long enough, your face will stay like that. The study concluded that 7 out of 10 truly ugly people are only ugly because they made a funny face for longer than 6.9 seconds, and it stuck.

One of the study's participants, who is affectionately known as Troutface, claimed that her appearance deficit came after trying to make her twin sister laugh in the middle of class. Allegedly, after receiving a hall pass, she was walking by her sister's homeroom and proceeded to press her face against the glass window and blew into it to make a fish-like a face. Her sister started giggling, so she continued to make the face. After approximately 10 seconds, her face stuck that way. "It's a curse!" Troutface sighed, "Look at me! I look like a blowfish! I can't even get a decent job!" Troutface currently works as a model for the Abnormal Anatomy textbook and as a waitress for We Sure as Hell Ain't Hooters.

Some of the study's participants claimed that their ugliness has actually enhanced their career, rather than hindered it. Chris Cross (who received his sexiness-deficit after crossing his eyes, making a pig nose, and sticking out his tongue behind his Sunday School teacher's back) is perhaps the most highly paid ugly person in Hollywood. He currently works as a consultant for Hollywood special effects' companies. "If they want a bigger, greaser, and more hideous looking monster than any of the other film studios, they consult me. They just make a plaster paris impression of my face, and modify it to their liking." When asked if he minded being used in this way, Chris just laughed and said, "Of course not. Everyone has some kind of deficiency. You just have to learn to use it to your advantage rather than a hindrance." Chris's face has been the basis for such screen beauties such as The Toxic Avenger's Illegitimate Sister, Garbage-faced Gracie, and N'SYNC. Has Chris's face ever NOT been altered in a movie? Chris smiles, "Well, it is just a template. They have to alter it. If they didn't, it would never pass the censors."

The 3 out of 10 ugly people who did not get their deficiency from making funny faces, objected to the study. Goober, from Stillpoopinouthouses, Iowa, shook his head. "Them there people think they know everything. Ugliness isn't a disease. You're just born that way. It never bothered my butt any because I still found true love anyway." Goober and his sheep are going to be wed in February.

So, kids, as much as it pains you, listen to your mom. If you won't listen to me, listen to Tongue-faced Tracy, "Bleh ytuck ya blah goober he tima!"

This translates to, "Mother knows best!"

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