In addition to being a reasonably prolific humorist, Gene
Doucette is also the author of several plays, a novelist, an opinion columnist,
and a standup comic. He has also recently completed his first screenplay.
In addition to all of that, he also has a wife and two children, a dog,
and four cats to support, which he does by working an actual full time
job. We are pretty sure Gene does not sleep.
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The rest of Gene's columns can be found at his
website
GenePoool
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| Gene's work can also be found at the following websites: |
| The NetWits |
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Show Gene your true appreciation by purchasing one of his books...
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The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
(2002)
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Beating Up Daddy:
A Year in the Life of an Amateur Father
(1999)
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How to Identify Yourself as 'White Trash'
(from The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook)
by: Gene Doucette
Most experts will identify the term "white trash" as a derogatory appelation.
Like most such terminology, it is therefore only okay when one happens to be
white trash as well. Thus, recognizing oneself as white trash is the first
step toward safely utilizing the term when describing others.
1: Am I White Trash? The list below is indicative of the typical
characteristics of white trash. The more they apply to you personally, the
more likely it is you qualify.
- Are you caucasian? (Required)
- Do you follow NASCAR? How about monster truck rallies?
- When the World Wrestling Federation changed their name to World Wrestling
Entertainment, did you have to get a tattoo altered?
- Just in general, do you have more than three tattoos?
- Does your home have wheels under it?
- Do you only dance when the steps are either prearranged (i.e., the Chicken
Dance, the Electric Slide) or are shouted out to you in advance? (i.e.,
square dancing.)
- Do you enjoy hunting? If yes, do you feel that fully automatic weaponry
is absolutely required when planning an assault on deer?
- Stand at the edge of your property and turn around slowly. While turning,
did you at any point see a cornfield?
- When you pronounce the word "nuclear" does an extra "U" end up in between
the "C" and the "L"?
- When attending football games, do you apply paint to any part of your body?
- Do you regard anything not recorded in Nashville with extreme disdain?
- Did you just have to look up the word 'disdain'?
- Does improving the reception on your television set involve tin foil?
- Did you not feel any need to attend college because you figured you
learned plenty in high school?
- Is 'evolution' a swear word in your home?
2: What do I do? Unlike many other categorical descriptions, it is possible
to move out of the white trash category with only a little work. This is
done by choosing an alternate category. Most categories have a simple
application process, such as:
- East Coast Intellectual
- West Coast Surfer
- Jew (conversion to Judaism may be required)
- Communist
- Liberal democrat
- White guy who thinks he's black (language course may be required)
- Homosexual
Things to Know:
- There is absolutely nothing wrong with being 'white trash' and we are
sorry if we have offended anyone who meets the requirements and has no
intention of ever changing, or who objects in general to being referred to as
white trash in the first place. Please put the gun down.
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