Delivering a baby in a manger is very similar in most aspects to delivering a baby in a taxicab or hospital, insofar as a newborn infant at some point emerges from a human female. However, the likely deification of said newborn can tend to complicate matters.

1: Determine if the mother is ready - The easiest way to ascertain this is to check the current date. If it is December 25, now is probably the time. Otherwise, this may be a false alarm.

2: Clear a space - Unfortunately, the manger will soon be very crowded with sheep, cows, shepherds, wise men, drummer boys, and seraphim. Recommend that they come back later. Be firm.

3: Obtain swaddling clothes - Someone there should know what the hell swaddling clothes are. Get some.

4: Check for the baby's head - This should be quite simple, because of the halo, which will be providing ample illumination. Open the mother's legs and peer inside. If you are bathed in heavenly glow, the head is ready to crown. (Note: be careful not to confuse the heavenly glow from the newborn halo with the halos of the mother or the surrogate father. Likewise, the large star overhead may throw you off.)

5: Get ready to catch it - You will not have to help ease the baby from his mother all that much, but it would probably be a bad idea to just let him plop out on the floor of the manger.

6: Wrap him up and put him down - Once the baby has emerged, wrap him up in the swaddling clothes and put him in a bed of straw. The good news here is that you don't even have to worry about an afterbirth, since he comes with a belly button. If you do this well, he may even bless you.

7: Notify - Inform the nearest seraphim that it's a boy savior, so that it can fly around the countryside telling important persons about it, like shepherds, and Harold the angel.

Things to Know:

• Successfully delivering a baby in a manger automatically qualifies you for sainthood. Contact your local Catholic church for details and the proper application forms.

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