WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) - Perhaps you are a Christian and celebrate Christmas. Perhaps you are Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah. Maybe you are getting the table set for Kwanzaa, or preparing your ritual for Winter Solstice. With America being the melting pot that it is, it is very difficult to wish a greeting this time of year without offending someone. "Merry Christmas" is an offensive cliché to those who don't celebrate. "Happy New Year" is only harmless to those who celebrate their New Year on January 1st. However, what if you celebrate Chinese New Year? Or perhaps you're Russian, and New Year's is actually your Christmas. Even "Season's Greetings" could be offensive for those that don't celebrate anything except the 48-hour Star Trek marathon. This is why Congress has proposed that one day should be dedicated for everyone to celebrate whatever winter holiday you wish. This day would be "Whatever the Hell you Celebrate Day."

Congress proposes that "Whatever the Hell you Celebrate Day" will eliminate the majority of political incorrectness that goes on this time of the year, for it will take no preference to any particular religion. Senator Humpalot, from Bill Clinton's hometown, initially proposed the bill to Congress, "Whatever the hell you Celebrate Day will be open for anyone to celebrate whatever winter holiday they wish. If you celebrate Christmas, fine. If you celebrate Hanukkah, fine. If you celebrate Monday Night football, go right ahead."

Supporters of the bill think that this is the greatest thing since the release of New Kids got Ran Over by a Reindeer. Senator Beatingthebishop took some time to report the aesthetics of the bill, "This bill is the answer we've been asking for. Now nobody can bitch that we are being unfair to any religious group. We'll have neutral 'Whatever the hell you Celebrate' merchandise available like napkins, paper plates, ornaments, etc. We've already decided that the merchandise will not reflect any of the colors that are commonly found in any of the winter holidays. We're thinking that hot pink and brown will be the official colors for 'Whatever the hell you celebrate day'".

The few Congress members who don't support the bill are extremely verbal regarding their views, "It's preposterous." Senator Eyeliketeenhookers stated, "They want to give everyone in the country off that day. No nurses in the hospitals, no prison guards in the jail, no one manning the 'big bomb'. It will be the first and LAST day of it's kind."

Senator Humpalot responded to this problem with one sentence. "At very least, it will be one less day the post office will have to screw up our mail."

Though the bill is in its early phases, there's been a lot of debate about what day will be considered "Whatever the hell you Celebrate Day."

"As it stands, it looks like its going to be on Arbor Day. After all, who's really going to miss Arbor Day on their calendars every year?"

The Internationally Tree-Huggers Association could not be reached for comment.

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