NORTH POLE (Just Laugh) - The most well-kept secret in the world was revealed today, shocking everyone aged 1 to 92. Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer who has pulled Santa's sleigh since the beginning of mankind, is not quite who he says he is. In fact, he is Dirk, the red-nosed reindeer.

"Well, you can understand why he changed his name," Santa stated, "I mean, it sounds awfully ridiculous to have a head reindeer by the name of Dirk. Dirk is someone who can recite every episode of Star Trek in Pig Latin, not the head reindeer of Santa's sleigh."

The revelation of Rudolph's true name brought sighs of relief among the fictitious character community, "Finally, people will know the truth!" Frosty the Snowman said while puffing on a KoolÒ cigarette, "I think it was very brave of Dirk to reveal his birth name. I mean, who cares whether it is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer or Dirk the red-nosed reindeer? You think those little brats on earth give a flying (explitive deleted)??? Those snot-nosed little kids will get their (expletive deleted) presents anyway!" Frosty is being treated for an acute case of Tourette's syndrome caused by severe brain melting from excessive corn cob pipe smoking.

The reindeer community also proved to be relieved, "Most people think that we laughed and called Rudolph names because his red nose. That is such a lie. After all, every hunter knows that reindeers are color blind! Why do you think they can still shoot our brains out wearing a neon orange parka! The truth is, we used to make fun of him for his name."

Dirk, aka Rudolph, was neutral on the revelation, "I revealed my real name because I thought it was time to stop lying to all the little children out there. Not that it really matters, because in a few years they'll find out I don't exist anyway. It was just so hard dealing with this secret my whole life. Now that it's revealed, I feel somewhat relieved, but things will never be the same."

It should be noted that no musical artist has stepped up to the plate to record Dirk, the Red Nosed Reindeer for this holiday season.

"No recording artist can take on that challenge," Bing Crosby was reported saying on an Ouija board in Kansas, "They'd be laughing to hard during the song." Poor Dirk. It looks like it's not just going to be the reindeers laughing and calling you names.

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