I was at a well-established fast-food taco place the other day, where I ordered four different tacos but no beverage.  That’s right, no beverage.  I’m glad you understand this as a reader because cashiers always have to question such an order.  And to think, I thought a taco supreme meant it had sour cream.  So, do cashiers make commission on soft drinks, or do they all serve as members of  the dehydration police?  Just as actors wait for their big breaks in Hollywood, some fast food cashiers seem to wait for their big break as life savers (the non-edible kind).  Let me provide an example here:

Cashier: Do you want a drink with that?

Customer: No thanks, I’ll just take the tacos.

Cashier: Are you sure you don’t want a drink with that?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure.

Cashier: Are you really sure?

Customer: Oh my gosh, no, I’m not.  I really want a drink now.  Thanks for reminding me, because I’m a big idiot and I don’t realize it when I want a drink.  Seriously, thank you for allowing me to get a drink.  Now I can continue my mission as a beverage advocate with a clear conscience.

Cashiers aren’t the only ones trying to boost product sales, though, as we are also bombarded with positive testimonials.  These are an interesting science, really.  When friends tell us what movies to see, we see the opposite (such as anything starring Pauly Shore).  When experts tell us what to eat, we eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead.  So with that in mind, why do companies expect us to care about testimonials from random people we don‘t know?  In a commercial for a product, a random Joe Smoe might say, “If I can use it, anyone can.”  Well, what in the heck does that mean?  For all we know, Smoe might be a modest expert when it comes to using whatever it is he just used.  We need to know his background before the testimonial gains value:

“If I can use it, as a person who can’t boil water without making a mess, then anyone can use [this product],” Smoe could say instead.  However, now we face a different dilemma: do we really want to use any product that this fool is using?  See, it’s a no-win situation until commercials just stop eliminating testimonials altogether — and yes, I realize this last sentence is a contradiction.  Sentences are funny that way.  That’s why people can get out for good behavior ...

Is it not good behavior these days to carry any currency over ten dollars?  You know the scenario (or you can fake it): you hand the cashier a twenty-dollar bill to pay for a five-dollar product and he asks, “Do you have anything smaller?”  The obvious response would be, “I don’t have anything smaller, but your brain apparently fits into that category.  And your momma.  Yes, your momma.”  The question is insulting because the cashier is implying that he knows you have more accurate currency to use but you are too lazy or stupid to pull it out.  Really, though, asking a customer to give you a smaller bill is just like yelling out, “Hey, we only have three bucks in the register!  No one has shopped here since noon!”  Noon is when Joe Smoe bought the water boiler, you see ...

Until we get some of this economic stuff straightened out, I am going to stock some cans until they hit the ceiling.  I hear stocks can be a profitable investment, which is why they have a market for it ...

But I digress.

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