10. Know What She Wants, but Don’t Give It to Her

This one may sound a bit foolish, but you’ll just have to trust us here.  We all know that dating is nothing but a game – a very sick, sad game – and like in any other game, the ultimate goal of dating is to win.  Women reach this goal by finding a mate, perfecting him over many, many long, toilsome years, hereby fine-tuning him into the ideal spouse, then quickly divorcing him and moving to Hawaii, with half of his stuff…

Ok, it might not happen like that every time, but needless to say, the practice of perfecting a man into what she actually wants will always be there.  Women treat men very similarly to the manner in which men treat cars – they find a cheap junker and fix them up to be sweet, high-performance hot-rods.  If you’re already everything that she wants when you first meet her, she’ll have nothing to work on and will quickly grow bored.  Give her a little something to fix!

9.  Nice Guys Don’t Get Laid – Be a Jerk!

Although this has baffled most men since the beginning of time, it’s as true as the ocean is blue and if you were betting money one way or another, chances are you’d be a millionaire by now simply by betting on the assholes.  Nice guys finish last, remember?  How many times have you seen a nice guy walking around with a beautiful woman?  Never, and if by chance you do, at least one of them has to be gay.  It’s simply common knowledge that good-looking girls always prefer to hang around with idiots and morons, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

Don’t return her calls.  When you do run into her in public with your buddies, be sure to verbally announce as loud as possible all of the things that you’d like everyone to know that you’ve done to her, even if you’ve never actually done any of them!  If she’s with another guy, kill him and afterwards mock him using four-letter words; chicks love that kind of stuff!  Basically, take that list of things your mother told you never to do and throw it out the window – she needs to realize that if she doesn’t want it, there are plenty of other women out there just waiting to be treated like garbage…

It’s also of the utmost importance to be as dumb as possible, and we’re talking tree-slug intellect here.  Fake stupidity, if necessary.  Not only will this somehow attract women to you, it may also help to get you out of doing a lot of silly chores.  For example, would you send a complete idiot to the store to buy groceries?  We sure as hell wouldn’t, and neither will she…

8.  Never Pay for a Damn Thing…

…And if you do, be sure to save your receipts.  We all know that dating can be an expensive hobby as it is, and the instability of today’s market may leave many men wondering if this is really the best place to be investing their hard earned cash.  Women have a tendency to ditch a man for almost no reason at all, leaving him with a lot of time and money lost in the relationship.  Unfortunately, until we get the whole time-travel thing figured out, we can’t tell you how to reclaim all the evenings and weekends you wasted on her, but you can keep your money!!!

Chivalry has been dead ever since we gave women the right to vote and speak freely in public, so don’t give her a single dime!  Many women these days tend to complain about men spending money on them anyways, so the next time the two of you go out to eat at a fancy restaurant, bring along your calculator.  After the meal is over and you’ve had a double-helping of dessert, whip that baby out and figure out exactly how much each of you owe, down to the penny (and don’t forget to include a tip!).  She’ll be impressed by your preparedness and actually be grateful that you’re allowing her to feel as if she’s making a contribution to the date by sharing in the expenses!  Just remember to always order something more expensive than her and split the bill right down the middle.

Just don’t forget to file that receipt when you get home.  Hopefully in the near future, dating will be tax-deductible…

7.  Be Suave

Don’t believe everything you see on television – the people behind the Sprite commercials are full of it!  Image is everything – you can be drinking the cheapest, crappiest beer on Earth, but as long as you look cool, that’s all that matters.  Ricco Suave didn’t get all of those chicks just because he beat the snot out of lots of other guys (see number five); ask anyone, he knew how to whoop it up after hours, too.

Women also don’t exactly fall over men who bumble their…uhhh…w-w-words, so be confident.  It doesn’t matter if you haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about, just have another beer and go for it!  Even if she does think it’s the stupidest thing she’s ever heard, if you’re speaking with confidence, she may actually believe you anyways.  Besides, chances are that after she’s had a few drinks, you’ll be able to talk your way into her heart (or pants) in Czechoslovakian just as easily…
 

6.  Learn to Write Poetry

Actually, just about any sappy art that involves rhyming works here.  Studies have shown that women love sappy crap – flowers, teddy bears and yes, poetry.  Although we couldn’t tell you how to go about making your own lovable, snuggly teddy bear and growing your own flowers is against just about every manhood rule known to, well, us, what we can tell you is that rhyming is the most direct way to sweet, sweet love in this day and age.  If you can come up with something incredibly sensitive and romantic, she’ll be putty in your hands…

One word of caution, though – don’t let your buddies help you out with this one!  Remember, your buddies are all single.  They just want you to sit around with them playing poker, watching football and belching the alphabet.  As much as they’d like to convince you that ‘Your breasts kick ass’ and ‘Be my booty-call’ will knock her off her feet, just nod and smile, then make a trip to Hallmark and get some real material.  Friends are forever, but they will sabotage you.  Where else are they going to find a fifth player on a Saturday night???

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm here to trade dinner
for some sex from you...

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