Scott Sevener is an overworked, underpaid and writer who
needs to take a vacation very soon! When he's not working on new
material for Just Laugh, he'll be sleeping, so stop calling during the
middle of the day...
|
|
|
For $2,000,000 an Hour, I'll be Friends with Just
About Anyone...
by: Scott Sevener
One could only imagine what it must be like living the life of a television
star. Of course, we’ve all heard of their woes about long, ten-hour
shooting sessions, little-to-no personal time for their families and friends
and the arduous task of living out of a suitcase forty-five weeks out of
the year. I’m sure that working a job where the most stressful part
of your day is dependant on how long it takes the intern to bring you the
double espresso macchiato with a cinnamon twist that you ordered a good
ten minutes ago isn’t nearly as glamorous as it appears – think about it,
in addition to all of the toils of memorizing lines and looking pretty,
you’re also constantly worrying about how thoroughly your giant pit
of money is getting cleaned back at home…
Earlier this month, NBC renewed television’s top-rated sitcom, Friends,
for its ninth and final season, quite the monumental occasion for two distinct
reasons:
-
For the past eight years, Friends has acted as an antidote for all
that is wrong with our lives in this day and age, leaving us wondering
how we’ll be able to sleep at night after it’s off the air.
-
The contract between the six principle cast members of Friends and
NBC promises each of the Friends a whopping $1 million per episode,
totaling a cool $24 million for the season, each, leaving us wondering
how they’ll be able to sleep at night…
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed Friends over the years just
as much as everyone else, although I must point out that I wasn’t the least
bit emotional when that one guy dumped the one girl to go out with the
other girl – hell, you’d need a flow-chart to keep these things straight
and I’m just too lazy to devote that kind of time! Nevertheless,
seeing as I’m not personally paying them out of my own pocket, I can openly
say that the show is hilarious and worth every penny. Honestly, entertainment
is really the only thing worth spending money on in this day and age, and
if it comes down to a toss up between the entertainers themselves getting
a bulky paycheck or some executive producer who’s never even seen the show,
well then by all means, give Matthew Perry and his friends a raise!
It’s not really uncommon to see these kinds of numbers as the final
season of a popular television series is announced, but they’re still typically
staggering enough to blow any of us who actually work for a living clean
out of the water! Only a few years ago, Jerry Seinfeld and Tim Allen
both finished up their last seasons, bringing home over a million dollars
per episode each, although it was common knowledge that their supporting
actors comparably earned only a fraction. Mad About You co-stars
Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt raised the bar by requiring equal salaries for
their last episodes, but who’d have ever thought it would’ve gone this
far? Friends is now the most expensive half-hour sitcom in
television history, which leaves me with this question: Where do
we go from here?
Think about it – when Friends is gone next year, the only primetime
programming left from the last millennium, aside from FOX’s The Simpsons,
will be Frasier and that alone is enough to leave me worrying about
how I’m going to be spending my evenings in the future! The war between
Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and The Weakest Link has left
both networks realizing that instead of throwing all of their money away,
even though the game show market technically died in the ‘80s, maybe
they should’ve been using it to come up with some new programming.
I refuse to watch anything starring Reba McIntyre or any of the previous
cast members from Seinfeld, with the exception of, oh say Jerry
Seinfeld, so they’d better not even think about putting the six friends
through the same ordeal!
We’re all getting tired of the reality TV kick, too, and I’ll be the
first to admit that as much as I’d enjoyed the previous seasons of Survivor,
that’s getting a bit old, too. I’m honestly surprised that Fear
Factor actually got renewed for a second season – I guess I just didn’t
realize that there were any disgusting things left to consume after the
first season! Needless to say, we’re running out of entertainment
fast here, people, and before we know it, we’ll be spending our time outside,
playing baseball and interacting with our fellow man…what’s it going to
take to get these networks to understand that this can’t be allowed
to happen?!?!?!?
So what’s my solution to this huge mess? The way I see it, there
are two methods that could be used to overcome this obstacle:
-
Mope around, assuming that the problem will take care of itself.
Threaten to fire any writers who don’t turn in some good ideas before they
leave for the weekend. Come Monday, hire a new band of writers and
start the process all over again. Note that although this doesn’t
really solve the problem, it’s fairly cheap…
-
Send me a check. Put a few extra zeroes behind it and I’ll come up
with the best comedy you’ve ever seen – what’ve you got to lose, other
than ratings and sponsors, of course?
Although I’m guessing that they’ll most likely attempt the first method,
don’t say I didn’t offer! Just let it be known that while the networks
are vainly trying to win back viewers with That ‘90s Show, The George
Whent Show and The Weakest Link – Friends Edition, I’ll be out doing
the one thing that I dread most of all – physical activity.
Ok, so I’ll probably really be taking a nap, but I’ll definitely be
dreaming about doing physical work! Nevertheless, just in
case NBC or ABC want to call to negotiate about that deal, I’ll keep my
phone by the bedside…
 |
Printer-Friendly
Version |
|
 |
E-Mail This to a Friend |
| |
