This is a correction to my last column wherein I stated I hired a stripper to play my daughter’s second birthday party.  The following statement should also serve as an apology of sorts to any readers who took my column seriously and were either offended or in some way took it to be advice of a ‘how to’ nature.

I feel compelled to say that this is an apology and not an ‘amends’.  I am not in any twelve-step program.  I gave it a shot, but I was all ‘I don’t believe in God per se' and they were all "That’s okay, anything can be your ‘higher power’: and I said "How about Scotch?" and no one laughed.  I guess if I’d said my higher power was cigarettes or coffee I’d have been in like Flynn.  None of which is intended as a denigration of any Twelve-Step program, the fine work they do or the practice of court ordering certain people to attend them.  I just feel the Judge was more on target with the Anger Management portion of the sentence in that it was more behaviorally oriented.

Okay, so my point is, I did not really hire a stripper for my two year old’s birthday party, that was only a joke inspired by the one or two calls I made trying to get a ballpark figure on how much a gig like that would set a fella back.

And while I’m apologizing, I want to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by also giving out a large ‘I’m sorry’ to the wife about the Turkey Gravy in her car’s fuel injection line and letting her know that if the car won’t start it’s probably on account of the Turkey Gravy in the fuel injection line.  If it had worked out she’d have thanked me come thanksgiving but it didn’t and let’s leave it at that.  Also the garage is fairly sure I did not damage the engine but you might not want to look under the hood until I negotiate a fair price with the neighbor kid for scraping all the roast turkey off the engine.  And for God’s sake, do NOT use the car heater.  Oh, and I’m sorry I shaved the dog.  I was in a fugue state and originally it was just supposed to be my initials and then it was a silouhette of Betty Davis and should a dog just let you shave it bald?   Isn’t there some sort of a pill we could have the vet give it that would instill some gumption?

And let’s just say I’m sorry there are home shopping clubs on the TV at all.  I’m not sorry there are credit cards, I like those, a lot, but I’m sorry you can use them for home shopping clubs on the TV or anyway I will be in three to five business days.  And I’m also sorry for there’s an Internet.  Very sorry.

I’d also like to say it was wrong to transcribe portions of "The Basketball Diaries" into the journal the school asked my seven year old daughter to keep when we took her out a school for our recent vacation.  And to her, an economy sized "Mea Culpa" that while I told her our
destination was Disney World, it was in fact the home of an elderly woman suffering from dementia whom I passed off as her Aunt.  She may be someone’s Aunt, but I got her name off an Internet list of lonely shut-ins who if you visit them think you’re a relative.  Did I say yet I
was sorry there’s an Internet?

And I’m sorry for this article because it’s a steaming heap of lies.  Well.  Exaggerations.  That woman did not think we were related to her at all, which anyone could tell from her screams of "He’p! PO-lice!" and "Who th’hell AH you people?"  On the plus side I got some of her flatware and it might be silver.

So anyway, I’m sorry.  And I shouldn’t have done it but since I did I never should have told you about it but it’s not as if I held a gun to your head and said ‘Read this or it’s curtains.’  Honestly, you people would complain about anything.

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