|Volume 3, Issue 6 ~Your Source for Humor on the Internet ~ May 1, 2002|
by: Greg Gagliardi
The other day I was driving on a road with a speed limit of 40 miles per hour. This, in itself, is not fascinating. Quite frankly, it was just a road. What turns this story from boring to almost-not-boring is the fact that I was behind a car going 20 miles per hour for about five minutes. As I passed the car, I was able to get a look at the driver, who really had no clue he was going that slow, nor did he realize that every car behind him on the road needed to risk death to go by. This made me think about some effective ways to inform certain drivers that going half of the speed limit is... bad. Very bad ...
1. Use your high beams but never your horn. The horn has become cliche over the years, and therefore has lost all of its meaning. You might use the horn to get the attention of a friend who is running by, to acknowledge your local fire departmentís car wash efforts, or you might use it ó quite simply ó because itís there. The high beams, on the other hand, are an underutilized resource. Since disastrously dark roads really only exist in cities without electricity, the true purpose of this feature is lost. By using it to alert the car ahead, you are basically saying, \ďYouíre as bad as a road without electricity, buddy!\Ē And that hurts. Besides, many slow drivers are not able to hear car horns, whereas they must be able to see in order to drive... although some people do make me doubt that ...
2. If you have someone in your passenger seat, have that person get out of the car and jog over to the slow driver. The fact that your passengerís jogging speed is the same as the slow driverís car should be reason enough for him to speed up. If thatís not enough, the jogger can request to heat his TV dinner with the carís lighter, noting, \ďBy the time itís cooked, we should be at the next light.\Ē
3. The next time youíre at a red light, run out of your car and volunteer to lighten that other carís load. In fact, donít ask, because that will take too much time. Simply open that carís doors and start throwing everything out of it, including people. When the driver asks what youíre doing (probably in different words), tell him, \ďOh, I thought you had one of those Flintstone cars that were operated by your own feet. I thought I would make things lighter for you.\Ē Even if the driver gets mad, remember that itís no big deal. After all, you can outrun his car ...
4. Take out some paper from your own car and create a summarized driverís manual. Use plenty of pictures to illustrate your point, and include a glossary at the beginning so itís easy to follow. Iím not implying that you should give this to the car ahead of you. Iím just saying that this could be fun to do ...
5. If all else fails, put your car in reverse and drive by this slow car backwards. This would create a very confusing scene, whereby that other driver will mutter something such as, \ďBoy, some people donít know how to drive these days!\Ē After a while, maybe 17 minutes, heíll get the point. And if not, get his license plate number so you can avoid driving on the same roads as this person in the future. That is, unless you want someone to proofread your new driverís manual ...
But I digress.
All columns © 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 Gregory Gagliardi. All rights reserved.
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