If you've made a resolution to lose weight, you need to come and see me. I'm an expert on diet and exercise. I lose weight every summer, feel good about myself, then gain it all back in winter. It's a constant battle, like Pakistan against India, Palestine against Israel, Pam Anderson against clothes.

The battle started sometime in my mid-20s. My body decided to slow down. Instead of burning all the calories I was consuming, it began converting some of them to fat. And instead of spreading the fat cells all around, it put them mostly in one place -- my stomach -- so everyone could get a good view.

My friends, despite their own weight gains, are always quick to notice.

Friend: "Hey Melvin, looks like you're getting a spare tire."

Me: "Yes, Bob, and it looks like you're getting a spare Toyota."

The only way I've found to hide my protruding stomach is to walk backwards. But I'd rather look slightly overweight than completely insane.

In my younger years, if I wanted to eat something, I'd think only about the taste. These days, I have to also think about the waist. Will it bulge? Will it expand? Will it explode?

It's so much easier to gain weight than lose it. I can gain weight just by looking at food. But I can't seem to lose weight by looking at exercise machines. Trust me, I've tried.

I've gained weight despite being on a diet several times. Whenever I see something tasty, like pizza or apple pie, I remind myself that I'm on a DIET, which stands for "Darn, I'm Eating This."

I'm envious of people who remain skinny no matter how much they eat. You've probably met such people. They wouldn't gain an ounce of fat if you glued them to a sofa and pumped ice cream into them.

The rest of us have to watch what we eat. And we have to exercise. Diet and exercise -- that's the magical combination to keep the fat off. It seems simple enough when I'm making my resolutions, partly because I can easily imagine the slim, chiseled body I'm going to attain, but I forget to imagine all the pain. The pain of exercising every day, the pain of pushing that apple pie away.

I don't like to exercise during my daily activities. So I find the closest parking space and use elevators, escalators and any other contraption that allows me to look active while remaining fully inactive. Then I spend my hard-earned money at a fitness club. What a waste! Their only guarantee is the monthly fee.

The experts don't always help. Some advise me to eat five or six meals a day. Smaller, more-frequent meals allow the body to burn more calories, they say. What they don't realize is that once I start eating, I can't stop.

I have such a big appetite, I could probably eat a meal every hour. But I don't do that, partly because my landlord refuses to widen the doorways in my home. How inconsiderate!

No wonder my friends have stopped visiting me.

Printer-Friendly Version

E-Mail This to a Friend