MEMPHIS (Just Laugh) - In Graceland, people are taking to the streets. Love me Tender is being played every hour. Why all of this mass mayhem? After decades of searching, experts are in the process of confirming most rednecks' and ex-teeny boppers' largest fear. The King is really dead.

Unfortunately, it was not the end that most people desired. Just Laugh caught up with The Police Officer from the Village People, who is heading up the investigation, and asked him to describe the evidence to support the King's passing.

"The evidence? No one has seen him in decades. I mean even the Unabomber had to leave his shack in the woods to buy some toilet paper and beef jerky, occasionally. We've searched every convenience store high and low for years. No one has seen a sign of him, except on UFOs or acid trips." The Police Officer was not able to finish his comment as he received an emergency call to investigate the Village People's Indian Chief's stolen moccasins.

Some people, mostly those in those big rectangle states in the middle of the country, state that they have seen Elvis. One witness, who goes by the name Fleegal Goober the Third, took time to talk to Just Laugh.

"Suresie, I've see dat der Evilest Preesly. He lives right der in ma' barn. No need for a rooster, because he wakes me up by singing dat Jailhouse Rock ev'ry morn'ng." It should be noted that Fleegal is 25 years old, is in the fifth grade, and has an imaginary platypus as a pet.

Graceland authorities decided to dig up Elvis's grave to determine without a reasonable doubt that the King is dead. While the DNA evidence is not yet conclusive, it was rumored that the skeleton had the same height, bone composition, and dentition as the King, and gave off an opium and hot dog fragrance. Until DNA evidence is conclusive, all the Graceland residents can do is pray. Almost all believers are finding channels for their grief. Many are holding vigils near Elvis's home. Many more are attending prayer services. Still others are going into McDonalds dressed like the Pope and ordering three Super Size Value Meals.

Just a reminder, all jump suits are worn at half mast today.

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