LYONS, Kansas (Just Laugh) - As if things weren't hard enough for our already struggling economy, it was reported earlier today that sales for once-popular emergency items sold around New Year's Day have sharply declined over the past year. Although simply perceive this growing trend a mere catching-up with the rest of our currently low-spending society, many top-level are concerned...maybe even a little too concerned...

"I just don't get it," remarked Tom Bartlemoo, an assistant manager at Wal-Mart in Lyons, Kansas. "For the longest time, we'd been hauling generators and bottled water out of this place like it's going out of style, and then all of a sudden - nothing! It's like these people just don't care about their own safety anymore."

Christina Maxton, the regional marketing director for Target, agreed that these had been very difficult times for many similar retailers, "It's unfortunate, but surprisingly on the rise over the past six months, or even twelve - consumers just aren't purchasing these items which they'd once believed were vital to their own survival. I, for one, certainly hope that they're not wrong and find themselves faced with a plague of locusts or something with no power for their bug zapper - that would sure be a shame, now wouldn't it? All in the same, I'm happy to announce that Target stores across the country will be doubling their promotional efforts in these areas with hopes of bringing these numbers back to record levels and thus continuing to line our pockets with gold and silver in the manner in which we've grown accustomed to here at Target."

James Peterson, a stockboy for Target, though, had another opinion. "Maybe everybody's just finally come to their senses - did you ever stop to think about that?! All these religious idiots spouted the year 2000 to be the 'Coming of the Times' when apocalypse would occur and we'd all burn in a fiery hell or some shit, but that never happened, now did it? And then the next year with all their 'We were off by a year - the new millennium doesn't start until 2001...and did the world blow up? No! Maybe the public just finally got their heads out of their asses and tried thinking for themselves for a change..." Peterson attempted to continue his commentary, but was soon directed by his supervisor to 'Get his ass back to work because he wasn't getting paid to stand around and talk.'

Nevertheless, we were afraid that the boy might have actually had a point, so we proceeded to seek out the most respected chaplain in town, Father O'Malley, in search of the real answer to our growing economic concerns. "Oh, there's no need to worry," the father explained, "as the first few years were simply 'practice runs' - the Lord puts us through these from time to time as a question of our faith. Actually, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but these local retailers are going to see a VERY Merry Christmas coming up in 2004. Of course, 2003 is going to suck again, but in 2004 - that will be when the ancient tales will finally come to life and the ultimate sacrifice will be made."

"I know," the man continued, "2004? Who'd have thought?! Well, that's the Lord for you - what can ya do...besides go out and support these local merchants?" The father then excused himself, as his favorite classic television program - Diff'rent Strokes - was coming on shortly. "I just can't preach the words of our Lord without my 'Gary time'..."

So no matter how difficult the current times may be, this reporter is confident that soon the major conglomerates and religious groups will have order under control and we'll be back to buying all sorts of useless crap to help stimulate the economy in no time. In the meantime, I know where you can get a REALLY great deal on a 5000-volt generator, if anybody's interested...

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