Ah, summer: A time for taking the family to the park, or the lake, for a quality time picnic gathering. As an adventurer of the great outdoors, I understand what mishaps may occur. Listen up so you can avoid them at all cost. Actually, there is no way you will be able to avoid all of the following but forewarned is better than having no clue whatsoever.

On a family picnic, don’t bring the nuts. You brought Uncle Ed and Aunt Dottie? Are you into compassion or is it really the joy of upcoming disaster you crave? Aunt Dottie will be of no help. She’ll eat all of the chips, lie in a lounge chair and read a romance novel the entire time. Uncle Ed, on the other hand, will be the center of attention and not the kind that attracts. After one, two, ten or fifteen drinks, Uncle Ed will begin to talk. You will not be able to get a word in edgewise and he will go on and on about what happened in Vietnam.

He was never there.

Keep this in mind: If you have children and you do indeed take them along on the picnic or any other outing, do not have drummed up fantasies about everything going smoothly. Children begin every sentence with ‘I want’. If you think everything will go according to plan, well, you’ll make a good chapter for my next book.

When lunch is ready the kids want to swim. When you want to rest the kids want to eat. For the entire day consider yourself the bringer of fun – not the receiver. They say giving is receiving. Yeah, right. Remember your visions of being the best parent in the world? Here is your golden opportunity and there aren’t any options.

Your job is to unpack, set out, prepare, pop and pour, watch, scamper, yell, run, scream, clap your hands in warning, count 1, 2, 3, holler, spray insect repellent, apply sunscreen, recover lost items, fly-swat, deep dive for a one-dollar necklace, clean, pack-up, tote and listen to the kids whine and moan when it is time to leave.

Is it worth it? If you bring your own parents along, yes. Then you are, in fact, doing a good deed. Your parents will get more joy watching you lose your mind in one afternoon than they had the entire time they raised you. They will offer an occasional, “Need some help, dear?” You are to answer, “No, thank you,” as they snuggle deeper into their lounge chairs with protective sun umbrellas and books in hand. They have already completed their part and rightly so. The reward of justice has shone down from the sky and they can spend the rest of their lives in utter joy and satisfaction.

When you get home, after you unpack and are ready to relax, the first words you will hear as you fall into the recliner are, “Mom, I’m bored.”

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