I wrote a highly controversial column awhile back called Slap Happy, which advocated slapping certain members of society who really got on my nerves. Some of my readers were troubled by this, writing in and accusing me of being overly hostile and violent. To those readers I say: shut up or I will punch you in the neck.

I wish I didn’t have to write a sequel, I really do, because people who make sequels usually deserve to be slapped themselves. But so long as I continue to see people wearing sweatshirts with photographs of their cats on them, it should be obvious that my work is not yet finished.

This sort of slapping, of course, is only utilized as a final resort, in order to awaken people to their offensive natures. In this context, rather than abuse, it becomes instead a form of therapy.

And if this therapy fails to help them, well, at least it makes us feel a little better.

On to the slapees...


People Who Wear Shirts With Prints Just on the Bottom Half

This kind of shirt is generally a short-sleeved, button-down thing. It has a solid color on top, while the bottom half is printed with some kind of illustrated design, like a seashore with a lighthouse on it. To those who think this is cute: you are wearing the wardrobe equivalent of bad hotel art, and you look like a tourist no matter where you go. Take it off or suffer the consequences.


Middle Aged Couples Who Walk With Their Hands in Each Others’ Back Pockets

Look, we all think it’s nice that you hit the Internet personals lottery and managed to find a second spouse before you hit 48. And we know how new and exciting everything feels when you’re both going through newlywed bliss and your mid-life crises at the same time. But for God’s sake, keep your hands off each others’ aging backsides; the rest of us haven’t pulled that in public since we were 16. I would rather see two elderly men frenching without dentures than have to watch another one of these couples.

I suppose it goes without saying that couples who hang onto each others’ pockets and wear the aforementioned half-print shirts, particularly “his and hers” matching versions, will simply be tied in a sack and drowned.


Carson Daly

If you met someone like Carson Daly at a party, he would be the one droning on about what he does for a living while you muttered reflexively, “huh,” and “that’s so fascinating.” Meanwhile, you would busy your mind thinking about more interesting things, such as how much bellybutton lint you would be able to collect in a single year.

Can we have a better screening process before we let someone on television? I propose that before anyone gets his own show (or in Carson’s case, inexplicably, two TV shows and a radio show), that the person first be required to display a personality. It doesn’t have to be a good one – just one notch above actual vital signs, so that watching this person is at least as entertaining as counting individual bathroom tiles.


Black People

No, not really. I’m just checking to make sure you’re still paying attention.


Ron Popeil

I don’t know if this guy is even still on TV. He pretty much invented the info-mercial format, for which he should be not only slapped, but also drawn and quartered. If you believe Ron, we are all expending way too much time and effort in the kitchen, and we need his amazing inventions to make food quickly and get back to our busy lives of earning more money to spend on useless kitchen appliances.

Whoever invents something that delivers a hearty bitchslap to this glorified waterbed salesman will be reading my MasterCard digits within minutes.


People With Ignorant Bumper Stickers

Okay, you're a bigot. Is it really necessary to advertise this to the motoring public? I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, and I am not kidding: "KILL 'EM ALL - LET ALLAH SORT 'EM OUT." This person should be first slapped and then hastily deported to someplace like Laos. (As you have no doubt already guessed, this particular sticker was affixed firmly to the back of an old pickup truck.)


People Who Use “Their” When They Mean “They’re”

Also “your” when they mean “you’re,” and “it’s” when they mean “its.” And if you use the term “whole nother” in my presence, you may soon find your head pinned inside an industrial vice.


Dimwitted People

Obviously this is a large and varied group. The sort I refer to here is the extremely loud person whose intelligence is so far below normal that he or she should not even be allowed the power that comes with working in the retail sector.

For example, I was at a grocery store recently waiting to pay for something when my cashier completely neglected me in order to have the following conversation:

CASHIER 1: (bellowing) HEY, SHEILA. WHAT’S THE NAME OF THAT GUY, YOU KNOW, WHO WAS IN THAT MOVIE.

CASHIER 2: WHAT MOVIE?

CASHIER 1: YOU KNOW, THE GUY, HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE ABOUT THE MATH WHIZ, THERE.

CASHIER 2: I DON’T KNOW WHAT MOVIE YOU MEAN.

CASHIER 1: HE’S ALWAYS IN MOVIES WITH THAT OTHER GUY, THAT BEN GUY.

CASHIER 2: WHAT BEN GUY?

CASHIER 1: I DON’T KNOW HIS LAST NAME. BUT IT’S BEN, AND THIS OTHER GUY.

CASHIER 2: WELL WHO’S THE OTHER GUY?

CASHIER 1: I DON’T KNOW, I JUST TOLD YOU. HE WAS JUST IN A MOVIE, AN ACTION MOVIE, WE WERE SELLING IT OVER IN AISLE SEVEN.

CASHIER 2: MOVIES ARE IN AISLE SIX.

At this point I lost my patience and snapped at the woman:

ME: DAMON.

CASHIER 1: (smacking her gum) Huh?

ME: Damon. The guy’s name is Matt Damon, for chrissakes. You sold The Bourne Identity in aisle six, and he was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck. Good God.

CASHIER 1: Hey, yeah, I think that’s it. (shouting again) HEY, SHEILA. MATT DAMON. IT’S MATT DAMON.

CASHIER 2: MATT WHO? NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

CASHIER 1: (confidentially, to me) Are you sure it’s Matt Damon?

And so on.

So we can see that there is an epidemic of people in need of a good slap, and to those readers willing to help in this effort, I thank you for your continued support. Please feel free to email me with updates on whom you have slapped as well as suggestions for other candidates.

And to those readers who think my campaign is vicious and intolerant, I would ask only that you keep these sentiments to yourself.

Unless you want to end up on my list.

Printer-Friendly Version

E-Mail This to a Friend