HOLLYWOOD (Just Laugh) - Just when you thought the business section of your newspaper couldn't get any more bizarre, it seems that the beloved twins that have delighted households for nearly their entire lives are taking matters into their own hands, one company at a time...

Rumored to be two of the youngest people in history to be worth a whopping nine-digits a piece, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen surprised both Wall Street and stockholders around the globe late Monday morning as purchases were finalized for majority shares of several valued companies throughout the United States, including Teens 'R Us, Delias and Mary Kay Cosmetics.

"It just seemed like a good move," commented Mary-Kate when asked about their most recent acquisition. "You know how a girl gets - I had a few million just burning a hole in my pocket, so I really had to!"

"Besides," added her sister Ashley, "it's so much easier for stores to push our merchandise if they don't have any of these other options available to them - the cheapest way to succeed in this industry is simply to buy-out all of your competition! Plus, MARY KAY was just too close to call, so it was either buy the company or sue them for copyright infrigement anyways..."

Despite this most recent sale barely being twenty-four hours old, it is said that the twins are already contemplating their stock purchases for the weeks to come. "We're thinking somebody in the coffee business," they said, "because we just tried the most amazing double mocha-lattes last night and now we're hooked! Then again, it's been a couple of months since we had a video game come out about us, so there are always lots of options to consider."

Only hours after this information was released, several board members of the Sony Entertainment Group were spotted having discrete meetings with their personal accountants, although no major stock shifts have occurred just yet. It looks like the color of money may not necessarily be green too much longer...

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