In addition to being a reasonably prolific humorist, Gene
Doucette is also the author of several plays, a novelist, an opinion columnist,
and a standup comic. He has also recently completed his first screenplay.
In addition to all of that, he also has a wife and two children, a dog,
and four cats to support, which he does by working an actual full time
job. We are pretty sure Gene does not sleep.
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The rest of Gene's columns can be found at his
website
GenePoool
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| Gene's work can also be found at the following websites: |
| The NetWits |
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Show Gene your true appreciation by purchasing one of his books...
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The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
(2002)
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Beating Up Daddy:
A Year in the Life of an Amateur Father
(1999)
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How to Locate Hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction
(from The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook)
by: Gene Doucette
Weapons of mass destruction come in many forms and can be hidden in a variety
of places. It is always in one's best interest to be able to quickly locate
hidden weapons, whether searching a belligerent nation, or simply checking
out your next door neighbor.
1: Bring experts Not everybody knows what a weapon of mass destruction looks
like. Examples include:
- nuclear bombs
- weaponized smallpox
- weaponized anthrax
- novels by Ayn Rand or L. Ron Hubbard
Wisdom would dictate you bring at least one biologist, one physicist with a
geiger counter, and an english professor.
2: Surprise! The most important first step in searching for weapons of mass
destruction is that you must have the element of surprise in your favor
first. This means not telling the person or country you are searching where
you plan to look. You may even wish to employ disinformation tactics, such
as telling them you're going to check behind the TV when in fact you mean to
look under the couch.
3: Think creatively You would of course be searching for obvious signs of
weapons of mass destruction, such as actual bombs, smallpox, or
scientologists. However, keep in mind that it is also in your interests to
seek out the manufacturing elements of these weapons, and to consider the
possibility that the weapons might be disguised to look like something
different. For instance:
- in order to build a thermonuclear device, plutonium must first be
manufactured. Rather than looking for small quantities of plutonium, try to
locate a breeder nuclear reactor, which should be quite large.
- Instead of looking for missile silos, keep in mind that a small nuclear
device can be hidden in a suitcase, so try checking luggage factories.
- Anthrax and smallpox don't just weaponize themselves. They need to be
genetically manipulated first, generally by mad scientists. Mad scientists
almost always wear white lab coats, rarely comb their hair, and tend to wear
glasses in unattractive frames. Look for them instead.
- Libraries are the obvious place to look for books, but the clever
librarian will hide volumes in different jackets. Don't just scan the
stacks; flip through the pages.
4: Try asking This is a long shot, but it never hurts to ask. "Do you have
any weapons of mass destruction?" you might say. "And if so, could you show
us where you keep them?" If you're very lucky, the country or neighbor you
pose this question to will provide you with a list, although we recommend not
trusting the list entirely.
5: Threaten invasion This actually won't make any difference whatsoever in
your ability to locate weapons of mass destruction. Worse, it will also
provide the country or neighbor you are searching with A: a good excuse to
keep the weapons hidden, and B: a good target to try them out on. However,
we understand military invasions are good for the economy, so you may wish to
consider this option anyhow.
(Click here for the sequel to this column!)
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