Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in 1982. His weekly humor columns are carried by a number of newspapers and websites.
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When Your Resolve Begins to Dissolve
by: Melvin Durai
If you're like most people, your New Year's resolutions are
beginning to crumble and you're wondering why you even
bothered. What made you set your goals so high? Did you
really believe you'd be able to maintain a high-protein
diet, get more sleep, and take a bath once a week?
What were you thinking when you resolved to replace your
daily serving of bean sprouts with a chocolate bar? Who were
you fooling when you resolved to watch six hours of TV every
day, play the lottery, and run three miles a year?
OK, perhaps you did get carried away. Perhaps you expected
too much out of yourself. But don't despair. You're not
alone. Millions of others are also kicking themselves,
struggling to salvage the last remnants of their
resolutions, wondering which store, if any, might sell them
an ounce of willpower.
For some, the end came too soon. They resolved to do less
drinking, but found themselves, on New Year's Day, having an
intimate conversation with the toilet bowl. "You here again?
Me too. Small world!"
For others, it lasted a little longer. They resolved to do
more reading, but found themselves, a week into January,
unable to enjoy the words scrolling across CNN.
If that doesn't comfort you, perhaps you'll take solace in
the failings of celebrities. Making resolutions has been a
futile task for some:
- Winona Ryder: She resolved to lift weights every day, but
the only thing she feels like lifting is a shop.
- Whitney Houston: She resolved to lose 150 pounds, but
hasn't yet found the courage to ask her husband to leave.
- Pam Anderson: She resolved to gain 20 pounds, but doctors
have advised her against getting new implants.
- Tipper Gore: She resolved to be less sensitive about her
weight, but couldn't help taking offense when she overheard
a waiter at a posh restaurant describing her as a "very big
Tipper."
- George W. Bush: He resolved to improve his diet by
cutting back on "animal foods," but so far, he has managed
to say 'no' only to horseradish.
- Evander Holyfield: He resolved to spend more time with
his children, but he's having too much trouble finding them.
As you can see, it isn't easy to keep resolutions. It isn't
easy to change your life. So what do you do? One solution is
to accept yourself the way you are. You're a unique
person -- no one else has your unique blend of shortcomings.
No one else has your God-given combination of laziness,
tardiness, absent-mindedness, shortsightedness, stinginess,
nosiness, and helplessness.
So what if you'll never be as svelte as Oprah Winfrey? So
what if you'll never be as graceful as Al Gore? So what if
you'll never be as honest as Martha Stewart? At least you're
unique!
Another solution is to set daily and monthly goals -- and
keep them realistic. Small goals help you achieve big goals.
If you're hoping to compete in the New York City Marathon,
don't try to run 26 miles right away. Begin by doing 26 laps
around your coffee table. If you faint halfway, don't worry.
You can try again tomorrow.
Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai
www.funnycolumns.com
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