1) Gain 60 pounds. Blame it all on water retention. If your friends
aren't convinced after watching you eat a bakers' dozen of mozzarella
sticks, tell them that you are afflicted with a tape worm, but he has a
slow metabolism.
2) Forget the gym, and take up a sport. Fishing is good choice. Not to
mention, there is no sweating that could potentially lower your beer
alcohol level.
3) Smoke more. Try to get up to a case a day. If you don't smoke, make
sure to inhale enough second hand smoke as possible. Hang out with truck
drivers, rebel dietitians, and members of the H.B.I (Humphrey Bogart
Impersonators). In a pinch, car exhaust works. Just keep the garage door
open. What do you think we're trying to do, kill ya?
4) Increase alcohol consumption. Consider undergoing plastic surgery to
have an 8th orifice drilled in your skull with a garden hose going
straight to your liver. It's quick and efficient without any need for
urinary and digestive system middle men. This way your mouth is still
able to deal a minty fresh feeling to fool your boss! Too vain to have an
extra hole in your cranium? Consider one of our less invasive forms.
Alcohol patches will soon be available, and look for the hard liquor IV
coming in Summer 2003.
5) Resolve to decrease your vocabulary. Make sure that at least every 5th
word is on George Carlin's Incomplete List of Dirty Words. Just make sure
to keep the 5th word under your breath on those rare occasions that the
boss isn't locked in his office examining the hidden horizontal assets of
his secretary.
6) Make sure to get less versed in the arts. Who has time for Showboat
when ESPN76 is airing monster trucks driven by professional wrestlers,
trying to crush pick-up trucks, while avoiding arbitrary pig racers,
until the mammoth lawn bowling/hot dog eating contest half-time
extravaganza hosted by Anna Nicole Smith?
7) Resolve to be less patient with other people. Make temper tantrums a
daily occurrence. Nothing quite gets your point across like kicking and
screaming on the floor of a public establishment. After all, is it asking
too much that Applebees telepathically knows your order before even
seating you?
8) Increase your rank in couch-potato-dom. Try to do as many activities
as possible on your couch. Get dressed on the couch. Eat all meals on the
couch. Just disregard the plumber's expression when you ask him to hook
up a showerhead to your futon.
9) Increase your reading. Suggestions to boost your reading are: greeting
cards, the backs of cereal boxes, clothing washing instructions, beer
bottles, and DO NOT PULL UNDER PENALTY OF LAW mattress tags.
10) Keep all your doctor's appointments. Just make sure all your doctor's
appointments are with a Dr. Pepper with a dash of rum.
