In addition to being a reasonably prolific humorist, Gene
Doucette is also the author of several plays, a novelist, an opinion columnist,
and a standup comic. He has also recently completed his first screenplay.
In addition to all of that, he also has a wife and two children, a dog,
and four cats to support, which he does by working an actual full time
job. We are pretty sure Gene does not sleep.
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The rest of Gene's columns can be found at his
website
GenePoool
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| Gene's work can also be found at the following websites: |
| The NetWits |
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Show Gene your true appreciation by purchasing one of his books...
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The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
(2002)
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Beating Up Daddy:
A Year in the Life of an Amateur Father
(1999)
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How to Hide Weapons of Mass Destruction
(from The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook)
by: Gene Doucette
The great thing about having weapons of mass destruction is that you can
scare the crap out of everybody else, especially if you're the only one on
your block with any. Unfortunately, most such weapons are extremely
complicated and difficult to manufacture, and also very expensive. Often,
while you are in the process of making and stockpiling such weapons, other
countries that already have their own will endeavor to stop you from having
any. This is obviously unfair, but since they are the ones with the
functional weapons, what are you going to do? Hiding them is your only real
solution.
1: Don't attract attention If you are a sovereign nation, it would be wise
to be a nation that other nations do not wish to bomb or otherwise go to war
with. It helps if you are not run by a fanatic, you do not have any oil, and
you do not have a history of either harboring terrorists or attacking other
countries. Essentially, if you are a quiet little country that nobody much
bothers with (North Korea, Pakistan) then chances are good you will be able
to build your weapons of mass destruction before anybody notices.
2: Pick some good hiding places Try and hide your weapons of mass
destruction in places the weapons inspectors would never think to look. Do
not, for instance, stick them under the couch, as they are sure to look
there. Be creative. Say you are hiding a radioactive product. Don't stick
it in a paper mill, as paper is not generally supposed to be radioactive.
Instead, consider a hospital.
3: Get some good scientists Biological weapons (anthrax, smallpox) don't
just grow on trees. They grow in cows, and in people. Cows will not help
you develop any weapons, and infected people will just infect you. But
non-infected humans with biological skills can be very useful. (Right now
Russia is holding a sale on bioweapons experts. Ask around.) Experts can
help develop weapons in secret with minimal muss and fuss, which will make it
much much easier for you to hide them.
4: Don't turn around and tell everybody you have them Weapons inspectors can
be very tricky. Some of them have been known to pull aside potential weapons
of mass destruction owners and say things like "c'mon, tell us where you have
them hidden. We promise, it's no big deal." Next thing you know you're
handing them a massive report describing your entire weapons development
plan. This will simply not help, because they aren't going to believe
anything you've written down, even if it's the honest truth. "Why would they
hand this to us," they will say, "unless it's a trick?" Which brings us to
point number 5.
5: Write lies Any lengthy report handed over to weapons inspectors should
perforce contain only lies. They expect you to lie anyway. You may as well
have some fun with it. "We tried to make a nuclear bomb," you can write,
"but Abdul burned his hand, and nobody else knows how to make one, so we gave
up."
Things to Know:
- Usually, nations that have weapons of mass destruction tell other
nations that they have weapons of mass destruction. This is because the only
reason such a weapon is useful is as a threat. If you are going to hide them
and make it a big secret, you're simply going to make other nations very
nervous, and nervous nations have a tendency to drop bombs and/or invade the
nations that are making them nervous. You might want to make absolutely sure
this is the route you want to go before hiding your weapons.
- Nukes are sexy.
(Click here for the prequel to this column!)
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