NEW YORK CITY (Just Laugh) - A spokesman for Empire Bank, N.A. announced yesterday the acquisition the last of the small local banks, Walter Bank and Trust of Provo, UT. The sale was unanimously approved by Walter Bank's stockholders-- Bank president Walter Bank, and his wife Edna-- in a closed-door meeting with Empire representatives Vito and Mort Salvucci. The Banks were unavailable for comment.

The sale of Walter Bank and Trust marks the end of an era. Bank customers need no longer concern themselves with interest comparisons or competing checking account packages. Likewise, foreign bank fees are now a thing of the past.

Empire Bank CEO D. Vader waxed eloquently on the subject. "Without any competition, we don't have to spend all that extra money on out-advertising other banks. We can pass on that savings to the consumer." To emphasize his point, Vader unveiled Empire's new free checking account, (some fees may apply for balances under $50,000.00) and reduced ATM fees ($10- per transaction, a reduction of nearly two dollars.)

Of course, not everyone is happy. Ms. Velma Wenchitt, a customer of Walter Bank and Trust for nearly thirty years, was very upset by the change. "I called Empire Bank once," the octogenarian recounted, "and for talking to a machine for thirty seconds I got a bill in the mail for twenty-seven dollars."

Asked to respond to Ms. Wenchitt's concerns, Vader chose to accentuate the positive. "If you will notice, the first three minutes of her phone call were completely free." Pressed for a more detailed response, he added, "many of Walter Bank's customers are elderly and will probably die soon, perhaps even very soon."

With no more banks to acquire, Vader was asked about the future of Empire Bank. Without going into specifics, he hinted at a partnership. "We've been talking to Borg Mastercard, and let me just say, we have a lot to talk about."

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