Don't look now, but the cell phone is evolving. No longer is it just a way for you to chat with a friend while moving around and annoying a few people. Now it offers several impressive features that allow you, through the power of wireless technology, to annoy everyone.

With a high-end cell phone in your hand, you can watch music videos, listen to football games, play video games, take digital photos, and vote in Florida's elections. There's even a button to record reminders: "Don't forget to turn the volume down when playing Tomb Raider in church."

As if that isn't enough, one mobile phone operator has begun selling handsets that allow people to sing karaoke. And you thought the train ride to work was long before. Wait till you hear Joe Transvestite's rendition of "I Feel Like a Woman." You'll soon be singing, "I feel like an aspirin."

The karaoke phones are being offered in Thailand, but it won't be long before they spread, like an infectious disease, to other countries. That's why it's important for you to write to lawmakers urging them to ban karaoke phones. Remind them that ordinary phones are already being used, millions of times a day, to transmit bad voices. Karaoke phones will only make things worse, especially if they get into the wrong hands, namely construction workers. They'll be serenading everyone: "Hey baby, hey baby, hey."

Karaoke, as we all know, is an acquired taste and you acquire it by going to a bar and getting sloshed. Once you're drunk, you can appreciate just about any voice, even your own. You can also appreciate the musical accompaniments, including those resonant bursts that make you stumble into the restroom and shout, "Great trombone, dude!"

Karaoke does not belong on a train or bus, where people have paid good money and deserve to hear more pleasant sounds, such as the roar of the engine.

Without karaoke, your phone will have ample room for these amazing features:

• Dial-a-Date: With a touch of a button, the phone will connect you to potential mates, allowing you to not only see and hear them, but also smell them. Yes, the phone will emit a scent that replicates whatever's on the other end. It's a great way to empty a movie theater.
• Emergency Aid: If you're taking a walk and a rabid dog attacks you, don't panic. Just press the "emergency" button on your cell phone. A picture of Michael Jackson will appear, frightening the dog. For added safety, hold the button down and Michael will scream, "Beat it! Just beat it!"
• Quick Scan: If you don't want to be seen with Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue, just scan it into your phone and "read" it at your leisure. Then press the "send" button to share it with friends, especially the ones who enjoy spectator sports.

Me: "Hi honey. I'm at the grocery store. I'm not sure which ice cream to buy."

Wife: "Don't worry, sweetie. I'll help you. Just send me photos of all the choices. And don't forget a close-up of the nutrition facts."

Me: "Hang on, honey. I have to stand in line behind 30 other clueless men."

Wife: "Really? Well, why don't you entertain them with some karaoke?"

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