Monday, March 10, 2003 |
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Willis and Other Hollywood Icons to Defeat Iraq Themselves
as reported by: Scott Sevener
LOS ANGELES (Just Laugh) - The majority of Americans will agree that dealings with both Iraq and its president, Saddam Hussein, have gone on for far too long and that a solution needs to be implemented immediately before further trouble ensues. These same thoughts have even traversed into the mindsets of several Hollywood actors, including "Die Hard" star Bruce Willis, who actually offered his services to the US Navy, but was turned down because of his age. Never willing to let down his fans, or his country for that matter, Willis has opted to take matters into his own hands...
It was announced privately via a remote conference from Willis' beachfront mansion in Northern Hollywood earlier this afternoon that a special task force, led by Bruce Willis himself, is to be assembled and dispatched immediately, after a benefit golf tournament next Tuesday, to "influence Iraqi officials towards peaceful offerings" and use whatever brute forces necessary to "destroy that asshole Saddam and put an end to all of this war bullshit once and for all!" Enlisting the very best that our Hollywood producers have to offer, this revolutionary new team is said to be comprised of the following top-rate agents:
- Bruce Willis - a.k.a. John McClane from the blockbuster series "Die Hard"
- Steven Seagal - a.k.a. Casey 'Fucking' Ryback from the smash-hit "Under Siege"
- Sylvester Stallone - a.k.a. RAMBO
Although security was kept fairly tight during the conference, it was also rumored that the likes of Sean Connery, Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore, and Pierce Brosnan may also join up with our heroes once overseas, each of these men famous for starring in several of cinema's greatest spy films as the legendary British secret agent, James Bond. Nonetheless, a separate rumor encouraging both Leslie Nielsen ("The Naked Gun"'s Lt. Frank Drebin) and Don Adams (of "Get Smart" fame) to assume positions at the head of this extremely sensitive faction has been ferociously denied.
While various critics expressed grave concerns about the logistics of such a mission and the concept of sending Hollywood actors into deadly combat altogether, Willis' agent reassured the crowd that "...we've all seen these guys mow down HUNDREDS of machine-gun toting terrorists - usually well before lunch, so I have no doubt in my mind that we'll be seeing something truly worthy of an eight-figure movie deal from this team within the next few days as the mission progresses."
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