|
|
| Volume 4, Issue 5 ~Your Source for Humor on the Internet ~ April 1, 2003 |
|
(from The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook) by: Gene Doucette The most common complaints of survivors who had to resort to cannibalism is that their fellow humans tasted "sort of gamey." With the proper preparation this culinary disaster can be averted. Note: this is for emergencies only, such as being unexpectedly stranded on a desert island, a raft in the middle of the ocean, or the side of a snow-capped mountain. Just being very hungry is not considered an emergency.1: Make sure the human is dead In most circumstances, your erstwihile meal has perished on his or her own due to natural or accidental causes. However, in the event that this is not the case-- if for instance, lots have been drawn-- it may be necessary to slay your dinner yourself. It would be unwise to simply fly into a murderous rage and start whacking him or her with whatever is available, as this might do damage to important body parts that will subsequently be much more difficult to properly prepare for consumption. Severe head wounds, strangulation or other forms of suffocation such as drowning, or general head removal, are all viable options. 2: Prepare your meal Arms, legs and buttocks tend to have the most useful meat, although if you’ve been isolated for a long time, this may not necessarily be the case. Fortunately, many internal organs are edible and quite tasty, even though they tend to be somewhat gross looking. We recommend the kidneys, the liver, and the heart. The stomach should be avoided, as should the intestinal tract. The lungs will unfortunately have very little meat. Separate the arms and legs from the torso using whatever sharp implement is available. (If no knives are handy, the human can be drawn and quartered with the help of three friends and a little effort.) Open the chest cavity by prying off the ribcage. Be sure to save the ribs if possible, as they will have plenty of meat on them as well. 3: Build a fire Please don’t eat the human raw. Frankly, that’s just disgusting. Arms and legs should be held over the fire no longer than ten minutes, while internal organs should cook for at least twenty. Most survival kits contain a small supply of table salt, cayenne pepper, and oregano. Season generously. Be sure to baste occasionally with whatever water supply is available to keep the meat from drying up. (Important note: when basting with salt water, be sure to reduce cooking salt accordingly.)
4: Dig in! Use additional seasonings where necessary.
|
| ©Copyright 1999 - 2004 Just Laugh Productions, Inc., All rights reserved. |
