GREENFIELD, Mass. (Just Laugh) - In what promises to be a landmark court case, Greenfield, Massachusetts will be the first township in U.S. history to sue a game company for damages. The announcement came on the heels of a request for state and federal aid from Mayor Olaf Carson after half of downtown Greenfield was destroyed due to a rampaging extradimensional demon.

According to sources, the trouble began when Michael Osterman, a local sewer inspector, last Saturday bought a Parker Brothers Ouija Board for his family. That same evening he, his wife and two children tried out the board for the first time. Tragically, they inadvertently opened up a portal to hell.

"We read the instructions carefully," Mr. Osterman insisted, "and it didn't say anything about this."

They were soon visited by an unwelcome presence. According to Mr. Osterman, his wife Ethel began speaking in a very deep voice, demanding that she be referred to as "Klaaxu of the Seventh Ring."

"At first I thought she was joking around," said Mr. Osterman, "up until she ate the kids." (As the living vessel of an extradimensional demon, Mrs. Osterman was unavailable for comment.)

Mr. Osterman barely escaped with his life after Klaaxu grew to an estimated twelve feet in height, causing much of the small home to collapse. When red heat beams started to shoot from his wife's eyes, Mr. Osterman was certain something was amiss. "That's just not like her," he said.

After destroying much of the neighborhood, Klaaxu paraded about downtown Greenfield. According to onlookers, Klaaxu seemed unusually preoccupied with virgins, and also repeatedly demanded goat's blood.

Informed of the problem, police immediately placed a call to the Parker Brothers' 800 number to find out the best way to handle the situation. "They were not at all helpful," said police chief Dwayne Dewey. "It was obvious they had almost no experience in the occult whatsoever."

Mayor Carson brought up the same point when discussing his plans to pursue a lawsuit. "Obviously, if you're going to sell a product that can rip a hole in the fabric of the multiverse, you need to provide the appropriate warning labels and staff your help line with persons who are properly equipped to deal with the possibility that demons may, from time to time, enter this plane of existence and cause property damage."

Parker Brothers responded to Mayor Carson's threat with a prepared statement, which read, in part: "While we are of course very saddened by the extensive damage caused by the demon Klaxu (sic)-- not to mention the seventy-four deaths-- we believe the Parker Brothers Ouija Board is perfectly safe, provided the instructions were followed and the board rested within an inscribed pentangle of kosher salt. There are any number of ways to introduce a demonic presence to our dimension. We have no reason to believe the Ouija Board was the culprit."

When reached for comment on the pending suit, Klaaxu-- en route to Barnstable, VT., in a continuing search for virgins and goat's blood-- seemed unconcerned about the suit. "Klaaxu will rip open thy ribcage and shove the steaming gore down thy sniveling maw, o wretched vermin offal!!!" he was quoted as saying.

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