1: Don't panic Discovering that you have personally been targeted by an international terrorist organization can be somewhat unsettling, and soon panic might seem like a viable option. This is just what they (meaning the terrorists, not the Department of Homeland Security) want you to do.

2: Be aware International terrorists are generally brown-skinned, and many wear turbans. Most have a semi-fanatical look in their eyes and some carry bombs. While we are not for a moment suggesting that every person with brown skin, a turban, and a semi-fanatical look on his or her face is also an international terrorist, it may be easier to steer clear from anyone matching that description for the forseeable future. We are recommending this because this is what they (meaning the Department of Homeland Security, not the terrorists) have instructed us to do.

3: Take in your surroundings In addition to being aware of any brown-skinned people in the immediate vicinity, always take note of your surroundings. If, for example, you are in a building, be aware of where all the exits are, and also if there are any visible bombs. If you are outside, be on the lookout for large numbers of fleeing crowds, plumes of smoke, and bright flashes of light. All of these are indications of possible domestic terrorism.

4: Be prepared You and all of your family members must prepare a survival kit. This kit should contain the following:

• enough non-perishable food to survive for a month
• a can opener to get to that food (Important!)
• fresh water to last for a month (roughly thirty gallons)
• plastic wrap and duct tape, so that in the event you are surrounded you can fulfill that autoerotic asphyxiation fantasy of yours before they get to you
• a biohazard body suit
• two tanks of oxygen
• matches
• toilet paper
• a good book
• at least one handgun with plenty of extra ammunition
• two extra sets of clothes and extra shoes
• a large supply of prescription medication if you are on any prescriptions
• a large supply of any recreational drugs you can get your hands on
• a flashlight, with spare batteries
• a cell phone, with spare batteries
• a portable emergency generator, with spare batteries

5: Protect your family In the event of a terrorist attack your first responsibility should be to protect you and your immediate family. This may mean you will have to make some hard choices. Say, for instance, a smallpox plague forces you to lock yourself in your home for an extended period. You're going to have to let that neighbor of yours-- who we are assuming didn't think to prepare as thoroughly as you have-- starve. Remember, it is only by thinking only of ourselves that we, as a country, can survive this together.

Things to Know:

You may find that you have recently become paranoid. The Department of Homeland Security would like to remind you that sometimes paranoia can be a very effective survival instinct, and that you should not ignore it outright.

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