There are people in the world who hate Americans, people who think Americans are self-absorbed, insincere, and arrogant, and to such people, I have only one thing to say: I am not an American.

Well, in many ways, I am. Such as the way I feel sorry for myself because my car, unlike so many others on the road, doesn't have enough room for an elephant. Which means, of course, that I'll never be of much use to the circus.

Then there's the way I get impatient when I have to wait for my lunch, all because the microwave is too slow. "Two whole minutes!" I mutter. "I should have gone for some fast food."

But such quirks of American life are besides the point. The point is, anyone who hates Americans does not really know Americans, just as anyone who hates Mexicans does not really know Salma Hayek. (Note to wife: I'm referring to Ms. Hayek's acting ability, which is, in a word, HOT.)

Unfortunately, hating Americans is a pastime in some parts of the world, almost as popular as camel racing. Many Arabs, for example, hate Americans so much, it's truly amazing that they're willing to sell America their oil.

Middle Eastern bumper sticker: "I hate Americans, but love their big cars."

Tell people in Cairo that a group of Americans went near a holy mosque and they'll probably go on a massive riot, never mind that the mosque happened to be in New York.

Some extremists believe that Muslims should have nothing to do with Americans, a rule that's not always easy to follow, especially for millions of Muslim Americans. "OK, I'm going to be a Muslim during the day and an American at night. And perhaps an Independent on weekends."

The "liberation" of Iraq notwithstanding, America has done little to lessen the hatred -- or even try to understand it. And it's only getting worse. One Iranian man is even considering giving up sex, because he heard that Americans like to do it, too. Another Iranian, upon hearing that Americans like to sing and dance, gasped and said, "Oh no. The Americans are so much like us. If I hear that they love their children, too, I might have to kill myself."

What so many people don't understand is how strongly Americans believe in freedom and equality -- and not just for themselves. You may doubt the motives of the government in invading Iraq, you may question America's terribly inconsistent foreign policy, but trust me on this: many Americans would risk their lives to free other people around the world, even if the people had no idea where to find oil.

Most Americans believe in freedom of religion and will support your right to worship whomever you please. Even if you decided to worship a merry-go-round, you'd have no trouble getting a few Americans to support you. Well, at least Michael Jackson.

America was once a land of slavery, but most Americans today aren't interested in controlling other people. They're too busy trying to control their children.

I'm not saying Americans are better than Australians, Zimbabweans or anyone else in the world. I'm just saying they don't deserve the hatred; they're more deserving of respect, admiration -- and, yes, even love.

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