Whenever I have a problem, I mean a real problem, I don't turn to my girlfriends. And I don't turn to my husband either. I call my parents. The telephone is my lifeline.

Did you know that the curly cord that attaches the receiver to the telephone is actually your umbilical cord? Yes! Why do you think it's so short? What did you think they did with all those umbilical cords at hospitals anyway? Distribute them for CPR?

It is said that in remote Indonesian villages, when a child is born they bury the umbilical cord near the corner of the house. Now you know why those villages never have telephones.

I've always loved to call my parents on the telephone, perhaps because for most of my life I have lived far away from them. When I was in boarding school and my friends and I got into trouble for not being in our room at curfew time, the school told us we'd have to call our parents and tell them about the crime we had committed. The other girls were terrified to have to admit this to their parents over the telephone. Not me. All I said was, "Wow! You mean I get to call my parents?!"

After the euphoria of talking them died down, I broke down crying as I admitted my crime. But do you think my parents were angry? Heck no- -they were just glad I called!

And now I live 12,000 miles away. Multiplied by 10 years, that's 120,000 miles! Wait a minute--shouldn't I be getting frequent telephoning miles for that? Money back on my Discover card?

Heck, if someone compensated me for all the costs of living abroad including plane tickets, postage, phone calls, and mental anguish from trying to figure out time zones, I think I'd have enough money to move back to Ohio AND retire.

But of course, no one is going to compensate me. Which is why I'm considering suing my parents. I figure that if I sued them for, say, neglect, and won the case, I'd have enough money to move back in with them. Telephone calls would be much cheaper from upstairs too.

I telecommute with my parents once a week. I fully expect them to install a telephone in Heaven when they get there. But just in case, I'm going to send them off with cell phones.

By the way, does anyone know what the electric voltage is in Heaven? They're going to need to recharge their cell phones. If they don't, how will I know how to find them when it's my turn to go? After all, no one has ever located the exact position of Heaven. The elusive Heaven is a mystery to the CIA and even the most advanced satellite technology.

The truth is that right now, I'm suffering from a terrible bout of homesickness. It's that kind of longing you feel in your heart when you're deeply in love with someone. That pulling on the heart strings, that achy breaky heart you have when you know you were meant to be with someone forever. My parents are that person for me.

Mother's Day or Father's Day, it's all the same to me. I'd be more comfortable with Parent's Day, but that's just me. My husband respects this relationship I have with my parents but I worry that sometimes he feels left out. Perhaps we need Husband's Day too.

Now please excuse me as I reach for that umbilical cord. I really need to make a call!

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