The other day, I picked up a few items at a department store and went to pay for them. The clerk, probably in his late teens, didn't greet me with the usual "hi" or "hello." Instead, he said, "What's up?"

Now I don't expect a lot from a clerk, but couldn't he have given me a little respect? Couldn't he have at least said, "What's up, sir?" After all, I was old enough to be his...uh...much-older brother.

But perhaps I shouldn't complain. Perhaps I should be glad he didn't try to be cool -- MTV cool -- and say, "What's up, dog?" Then I would have been forced to bark at him. "Let me tell you what's up, young man. Gas prices are up, the unemployment rate is up, and your acne is up. But respect for elders is definitely down."

It's not that I'm eager to be called "sir." When youngsters call you "sir" or "ma'am," it's a sure sign that your age is showing. You may not be over the hill, but you're certainly over Brad Pitt. These days you find Donald Rumsfeld dreamy. (Unless, of course, you're a heterosexual man, in which case you've started to have a thing for Martha Stewart.)

But I'd rather be addressed as "sir" than what some youths prefer to call me.

Young waiter: "Here's the bill for your dinner, buddy."

Me: "Thanks, but I was hoping you could take care of it, since we're buddies and all."

Waiter: "Did I say buddy? I meant to say 'dude.' Here's your bill for dinner, dude."

Me: "Dude? Please show a little respect to your customers, especially those who are old enough to have memory problems and may not remember to leave you a tip."

Waiter: "OK, whatever you say, guy."

Sometimes I wish I could send these youngsters to Zambia -- the country I grew up in -- where they might learn a thing or two about respecting elders. Or maybe I should just take a few traditional Zambian rules, rewrite them slightly, and start enforcing them in America:

• When greeting me, show your respect by bowing. Just a little bow will do. You don't need to call me "your highness." I prefer "your majesty."
• Before shaking my hand, clap several times, so I know how much you appreciate my willingness to notice you. If you want to kiss my feet, that's fine, but please make sure your lips are clean.
• Don't talk to me with your hands on your hips or in your pockets. In fact, don't talk to me at all. Unless, of course, you have something useful to say, such as "May I wash your car?"
• Do not point your finger at me, unless it's a finger you can do without.
• If you're eating dinner with me, do not leave the table before me, unless I ask you to get something, such as Pepto Bismol (the famous Mexican chef). Do not take seconds until I'm done taking thirds.
• Do not call me "guy" or "buddy" or "dude," unless you see me wearing a pair of shorts that covers my knees, but not my butt. Do not ask me "what's up," "what's happening," or "what's going down." Buy a newspaper and read it.

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