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| Volume 4, Issue 7 ~Your Source for Humor on the Internet ~ May 14, 2003 |
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by: Greg Gagliardi I hate the expression, "There's a sucker born every minute." Secretly I think it's trying to encourage us to buy lollipops immediately in case they become sold out. However, a person who buys a lollipop for that reason is truly the sucker, which changes the slang name of the lollipop to "mouthpiece." And when it comes down to it, there's no need to run out to buy a mouthpiece. If we all want "mouth peace," we just need to make dentistry a bigger priority... Enough about dentistry. I'll admit that some of my actions in the past could classify me as a "sucker." For example, I regularly buy the three-section Slurpee cup that is shaped like a brain. I even voted for Perot in '96. Regardless, though, I refuse to give in to any of the scams sent to me in e-mail, especially any that use my first name in the e-mail title, such as: "GREG, we have been trying to contact you!!!"Or, my favorite: "GREG, you have already won! We need to know where to send the money!"To the last title, I can only reply, "Send it to Santa Claus. He'll give it to me later." I think I'll take my chances with the McDonald's Monopoly game instead. As long as I can get a job with the Simon Marketing Company -- they're the people who were hired to run the sweepstakes, not some sort of memory game -- I'm bound to win something better than a small soda. The funny thing is how the McDonald's Monopoly scam surprised people. Come on, this is the fast food chain that now markets melted ice cream as an extra-thick milkshake. But McDonald's says they are as shocked about this marketing scandal as anyone, and they will soon start a new game in order to apologize to their customers. I'm touched. Maybe the game will involve guessing what's in the McNuggets. My first guess is the extra-thick milkshake. My second guess is all the Monopoly pieces that no one found. I would give a third guess, but I don't think I'd be around that long... Speaking of winning, there's a "Let's Make a Deal" marathon on the Game Show Network. I made a deal with myself not to watch more than I can handle, so I turned it off after about two minutes. Since the commercials lasted that long, this means I never had to actually watch the show. I do like the concept of the game show, though: people who can actually benefit from a deal, even though all the contestants ever did was giggle. Imagine if society mirrored this game: Person #1: Hey, I'll give you a twenty-dollar bill for that quarter.This just doesn't happen. Even stupid people understand what forms of currency have more value than others. And if this deal was made, Person #2 is bound to find out that the twenty-dollar bill has expired three years ago and those Monopoly game pieces -- well, we know what those are worth... Person #2: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your column, especially since I don't even have a name. But what you said is preposterous. There's no expiration date on a twenty-dollar bill.So as this column comes to a close, it seems that even Person #1 can lose a wallet. And if Person #1 can lose a wallet, we know that it's important to hold on to money before it's taken away by e-mail scams and fast food chains. The only chain you need is the one that connects your cash to your hand. It's painful and visually unappealing, but that might not be a bad thing. Just look what that description has done for the extra-thick milkshake...
But I digress.
All columns © 1998 - 2003 Gregory Gagliardi. All rights reserved.
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| ©Copyright 1999 - 2004 Just Laugh Productions, Inc., All rights reserved. |
