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Volume 4, Issue 8  ~Your Source for Humor on the Internet ~   June 4, 2003

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in 1982. His weekly humor columns are carried by a number of newspapers and websites.

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Lying Our Way Through Life
by: Melvin Durai


When I heard that a small town in Iowa is considering a ban on lying, my first thought was: it's about time. Lying is getting out of hand -- and not just in Iowa. Almost everyone lies these days.

Visit a hospital and you'll hear a lie: "The doctor will be with you in a minute."

Visit a dentist and you'll hear a lie: "This won't hurt a bit."

Visit a car dealership and you'll hear a lie: "We're barely making money on this one."

People lie about their age, their weight, even their height. Some men are barely 5-foot-10, but tell everyone they're 6-foot. And they don't consider it lying, just "rounding up." They'd better not travel to Iowa or they might get rounded up.

Some women are extremely "inaccurate" about their weight. But what do you expect? Before stepping on a scale, they remove not just their shoes and coats, but also their glasses.

I hate to admit it, but I've lied about my age, telling people I'm in my late 30s, when the truth is, I'm actually 19. Wait a minute -- that's the age of my underwear. (They used to be boxers, now they're briefs.)

In some professions, lying is almost a necessity. Some of America's best lawyers are also America's best liars. They appear on CNN and say almost anything -- whatever comes to their minds. "My client is so innocent, we're not just going to prove reasonable doubt. We're going to doubt reasonable proof."

Lawyers may be good at lying, but they're mere amateurs compared to politicians. Lying is to politics what stupidity is to bull fighting. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Reporter: "Mr. Clinton, how much lying did you do in the White House?"

Clinton: "I did not lie with that woman, Monica Lewinsky. I was always upright with her."

Reporter: "No, Mr. Clinton, that's not what I meant. Did you tell many lies while in office?"

Clinton: "Of course not. I made it a principle to speak the truth while in office. I also made it a principle to speak to the media outside the office."

People often feel forced to lie, especially when others ask difficult questions. This happens to men a lot. Soon after they wake up, their wives turn to them and ask, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Some men have told the truth -- "Not much fatter than you usually look" -- but such men are now lying, about six feet under. A smart man will first pretend he didn't hear the question, then try to finesse the truth: "No, honey, you look as slim as you did yesterday!"

Such creative lying has become an important survival skill. Just like Kramer on "Seinfeld," many people have used it to compliment the parents of unattractive babies. "Oh my!" they say. "He's breathtaking. Definitely has his father's looks."

Others have used it in greeting cards to their mothers-in-law: "Words cannot describe my feelings for you."

Creative lying also comes in handy when you're invited to dinner: "I've never tasted anything quite like this. I'd ask you for the recipe, but with my cooking skills, I just can't imagine making this."


Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai
www.funnycolumns.com




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